My True Confession
I hadn't felt the same as I did as a child at 15 onwards. I had my first panic attack at 17. It was terrifying. I genuinely thought that's what happens to you when you die. You feel disconnected from the world, your vision becomes blurred and you become disorientated. So I thought I was going to die. I was screaming at my mum and telling them I think I have something wrong with me and I think I'm going to die. I laid on my mums lap on the bathroom floor. Screaming. Mum was in tears, worried sick. My dad on the phone to the hospital. Worried, the nurse wanted to speak to me and asked me what my symptoms were. So I told her, adding the pain in my chest and lack of breathing. She thought I was having a heart attack and said she'll send an ambulance. I told my dad and he said ' no need for all that bother, I'll drive you.' so we drove to the hospital, still feeling the same and absolutely terrified. I spent the majority of my time on the phone to my mum out side. Me and my dad aren't that close, he's not very comforting either. When I was finally seen. He told me it was a panic attack due to low blood sugar levels. I knew what it was by the time I got home. It was flashbacks from all the nasty ecstasy I used to take from the ages 15 to 17. Biggest regret of my #life. Haven't felt the same since. Then when I was 18 I met the love of my #life. My first real boyfriend. And certainly my first love. I moved in with him after only 2 months of us being together. It was amazing. I felt so grown up and spent all my waking and sleeping hours with him. I lost my friends one by one because they didn't agree with the guy I was with. He was a 17 year old drug dealer, sold weed and smoked it too. ( he stopped it after only 4 months of us being together) That explained his paranoia. I couldn't go anywhere without him thinking I was cheating. I never have, and never would cheat on him. He was my sunshine, my reason to wake up in the morning, my world. We had our arguments, as any normal couple. But nothing too bad. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely terrified. As was he. How was I gonna tell my parents when we live in a shitty one bedroom flat and no money between us. We decided we were gonna keep it. Sometimes I didn't care what my parents said, I didn't even care if they disowned me. Because as far as I was concerned, I had my new #life growing inside me. I spoke to my mum and from that day onwards was like a dream. It was like I was watching a young girl make the biggest decision of her #life. Mum convinced me to have an abortion. There's me, someone who came out the womb wanting to be a mother. Then I give it all away. My #life that I had planned in my head. Where the cot was gonna go. What he/she would look like (I always thought of the baby as a girl.) even chose her name, Eloise. I lost myself. I hated myself and I blamed everyone else. I cried for six months straight in my boyfriends arms. I thought I had made the biggest mistake I could ever possibly make and there was nothing I could do about it. That was when I slipped into a downward spiral. I hated myself so much that I pushed everyone away. I didn't believe that anyone could ever possibly love me. Why would they? To me I was a murderer. A murderer of my unborn baby. Me and, let's call him, Brock, were arguing everyday, it got bad. So bad in fact I tried to take my own #life. Brock saw me and threw water over me and took the pills away. But for that moment, I was finally happy. I knew that as soon as these pills settled, the pain and guilt would go. I wouldn't feel anything. And Brock stopped me. I broke down. And everything got worse. I used to fantasise about suicide. I didn't look forward to the future and I hated my past. I hated me. Everything about me made me feel sick to my stomach. I felt so alone. Lost. Confused. Then I spoke to my best friend, the girl that's managed to always be there for me without even realising what she's doing. Let's call her flower. She told me about her boyfriend being on anxiety tablets for income support. I thought that was an easy way to get money without having to work. I went to my doctors about my anxiety that I've suffered from that age of 15. And within 10 minutes he diagnosed me with #depression. A bad case too. He put me on anti depressants and put me in for counselling. That doctor saved my #life. I'm on the mend now. I still have down days but mostly good days. I'm balanced now. I can wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. I can look after myself and feel beautiful. I fell back in love with the love of my #life. But most importantly, I don't feel guilty anymore. I now know that that baby wouldn't of had the #life I want to give to my children. It wasn't the right time. I'm 20 now and looking forward. I'm closer to my family. Closer to Brock. I'm closer to my friends. Better yet, I'm closer to me. I'm me again. And I love me! I'm a kind, loving, helpful, emotional heart-of-gold girl.
If anyone is feeling remotely the way I felt. Do something about it. Don't just sit back and hope you will recover. You won't. It's a mental illness that needs to be treated. Your strong. Everyone matters. No one is better than anyone else. Were all human beings who deserve to be on this planet. Don't take the easy way out. Get help and move forward. Your loved, your cared about, your beautiful and unique. Use yourself!
