#life through a Lens Lol the humorous moment when you see someone on instagram say "my #life through the lens" and their "lens" consists of an iPod touch. I mean, don't get me wrong. iPods are good and all, and not everyone has a DSLR with fantastic lenses but don't call something what it isn't. lol Your "lens" takes the shittiest photos.

the reason why I can safely say the reason I cut today was because I made contact with Aleisha once more. (see my Instagram Motivation post). She's pretty, and she was always that force that I felt the most responsible to when I ate. I was stressed, from other stuff and from her and so I cracked and cut.

breaking a streak Havent cut in 4/5months. Today, once more, my hip sheds it's tears.

6 Calories There was one day I remember and I'll never forget. It was a Friday and the thing about this Friday was that i had only eaten 6calories. Those six calories were from a few minuscule carrot sticks I had snacked on at lunch time. I skipped breakfast and I got a subway on the way to my youth group "which I was going to eat once I got inside." it was dropped In the bin. Lies. That day was full of them. And by thê end, the pain I was in, not emotional pain but physical bodily pain I felt was so bad. I remember in worship bawling my eyes out because of the physical pain I felt, because of the crap I knew I was in and the mental state in general I was that night. I remember being comforted by Alyson (if you don't know her see "Pain #3"), and desperately wanting to tell her, to get it off my chest but knowing that I couldn't tell her that because legally she would have to tell my parents. It was so hard to not tell her. I just let her comfort me, knowing that I was slowly killing myself. As unhealthy as it was, I was and still am SO proud of those 6calories Made me feel strong and pretty.

Instagram Motivation I had four instagram friends, that I was very close with about the eating disorder-because they could relate: they too had eating disorders. there was Aleisha[not real names]: short, popular, cheerleader, mean (not judging but she said so herself that she was mean to her friends), slightly badass(please don't lol at that. it's the best way I can put it She was so motivated. She dropped down to about 80pounds or lower. I can't quite remember (btw that's about 36kg). She was short though, which does make that slightly easier to get. But still, I admired her persistence. She starved/ate minimum but she also had bulimic tendencies. Then there was Olivia: At her school she was an outcast. She was a bit wierd, having Alzheimer's, #depression, and some other mental disorders. She told us she was bisexual. (for the record I don't agree with bisexuality/homosexuality- call me a jusgemental freak but they are my values and they're not going to change. This girl hid so much, and she seemed a bit quiet. I ended being more worried about her constant suicide threats. I was not the only one, a girl who knew her called her youth group and she's "getting help" ATM. She spent a few weeks in a child psychology unit. Another girl was Yasmin: She was the girl that I think was that girl who wandered around her scho, without friends, pretending not to care. Not always hiding her depressive state. I cannot say much about her other than she, like Olivia, was a helpless cutter. I didn't get to know her much. Her parents found out. Then there was Abby: I never figured her out. All the others had a distinct personality, that was just straight out there. But Abby was hard to figure out. She was gorgeous, I can tell you that. She was really pretty. She had thick, curly brown hair, green eyes and thick dark eyelashes. She was beautiful, but she didn't know it. She was trying to lose weight. it was hard to tell though, whether she just had bad self esteem and wanted to lose weight or actually had an ED. The five of us had a chat room that we talked on pretty muh everyday. I think it "helped" us all eat less because we felt we were held accountable by each other. We shared our calorie-counts for the day, what we had eaten, what had gone on in our #life, how we were. We dreamed big, like at one stage we wanted to write a five part book. It was merely dreams though. This "helped" us all become better at restricting, and it was my fault. I started the chat room, and invited others from IG. It was my fault. I helped morph others petty insecurities into full fledged eating disorders by starting the chat room.