Me Time to stop wasting energy on a dream that will no longer come true. Time to start building myself again and find the person inside. She has been hiding for a few months as the relationship has slowly been chipped away.

Realisation That the present is not going to be part if the future

Waiting Waiting. With anticipation. Will the ever present niggle of dread. How will it be tonight? Will he be pleased to see me? Will it be with the indifference I sensed in his voice in the earlier phone call. Was He being brisk and aloof because he was tired and in a car with other people or has he seen deep within my soul. Maybe I have done something wrong again. Maybe I wasn't bubbly enough, maybe he is afraid to face me because I will see the chill in his heart. I deserve to be loved. I am a nice person, well as nice as you can be in this world and I do deserve to be treated with a little kindness and respect. Please let tonight be good. Please let there be love and tenderness. Please let there be ease and companionship. Please let him see me as the person I am, the person he loves and not the problem to hide away from

Early Morning The birds are singing. It's still dark. I can hear the wind trying to squeeze through the gap of my open window. The traffic on the bypass is building. Busy people. Busy lives. In their own worlds. Are they happy. Are they loved? Am I loved by him? Is this the dying embers of what was once a roaring fire? The question that plagues me in these early hours alone is that can I accept that the unconditional love for him has diminished. I find fault and lay blame where once was acceptance and forgiveness. I feel so alone when I am in our world, the one we crafted together. The one that is dying. He calls me "babe, darling, sweetheart" and for a time I believe them, as I think he believes them too. But then the coldness creeps back and his world takes over and My Love has gone again, replaced by a barrier that is his defence and protection. I want to record how I am feeling. Right now I am still afraid to be on my own so am holding on. But I am not happy and I am not sure I can find the easiness that we had before. But for now I need sleep or at least to shut out that world out there for a little longer.