Oh God, Really <3 As always, you unfailingly prove me wrong with all my doubts. Thank you God, thank you. #welllovedandgrateful <3

Yes I Said It, I Said It Cause I Can today I don't feel like doing anything I just wanna lay in my bed Don't feel like picking up my phone So leave a message at the tone Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything! Except study for my midterms ;( Oh well

Midweek So yeah, today's Wednesday and I just got done with school works. I still need to review some more and do homework but I'm resting myself first. I had this encounter with 'past' a while ago. I am unconsciously trying to avoid our encounter these past few weeks not because I like to but because I'm doing her a favor. Why? Let me tell you why. There were a couple of times before that she ignored me. I was in front of her in all those moments, and yet she didn't take notice of my presence. And what's so shitty about it? Is that she was doing it on purpose. At first, I can't help but laugh, but then realization suddenly hit me. Maybe her 'new' told her to stop our communication or what not, OR maybe she just really doesn't want me in her #life anymore. And deep down, I know that's what we both need, for now... As time pass, realization dawns on me as I see now that we can't be friends, yet. Not as good as what we are trying to be. Why? Maybe because someone or both is still affected with each other's actions? I don't know. But I know one thing in mind that's true, and that is I know her 'new' is always affected when we still talk to one another—or when we hang out. That is why, for the benefit of her 'new' and the rest of the people around us that gets affected with our action towards each other as well, I took the liberty of doing her a favor by ignoring our precious encounters myself. What scares me is that, the more I avoid seeing 'past', the more we cross paths! It's very unexpected, and, unnerving. I don't even know if I am liking what's happening. But surely my feelings as of the moment are in favor of the negative side. And another thing, I don't know how I'll respond when she does talk to me. I just feel like I need some distance. Well actually, we haven't been speaking (as in having real talk) since when, since June? I'm not sure. So what more of the so called distance from one another could I possibly want? Haha. But the less we talk, the more things get awkward and weirder between us. I hope things will get better. When I say better I meant, things will be less complicated, less affected, and less of her. I just want to have a fresh new start without her in the picture, anymore. That is what I really want to have. And I don't think that's just some goal, it's actually what I feel I need, so I believe that's one ultimate goal. I do hope she does her part too, to not be an ass, not pretend that she didn't see me, and just avoid little talks if she doesn't really want to talk to me (and if she's been forbidden to). Because what I hate most, is lying pretentious stupid and acting like assholes people. Especially the ones whom I used to love. Thanks for letting me share this, Era x

Blogging At 1:33 am Things are going to get busy and people are going to be cranky for this incoming week, surely. We have all rested/survived the entire week of no work/classes last week because of the suspensions the monsoon had caused the entire country. Am I ready for school? Truth be told, I really don't know. My body and mind seem to conspire against me, both agreeing that they're not ready for anything heavy yet, but I know I should prepare myself and get ready because midterms week will arrive sooner rather than later. I hate procrastination very much but I don't seem to understand why I always find myself studying the night before the exam, or even during breaks before the start of the exam. It's like I'm doing impromptu reviews and if I flunk the test I damn myself to hell for not studying way ahead of time. My course is surely to be taken seriously. It's either you get your head in the game or some godlike player will throw a ball right onto your head telling "You don't belong in here!". I wish for some inspiration, something that will hit me and strike me and make me jump and make me put my game face on. Something, please. Laters. Era x

Sunday I woke up so early and for that, I get to face the Sunday sunshine! Feels great, healthy even. I think this is the very first time I've woken up that's not against my will. LOL I feel so happy with the sermon I heard a while ago when I attended the early Sunday mass here at our nearby church. The priest was telling about many things but one important thing struck me the most. It's because I've experienced this with mom. It's about having problems in #life that you find extremely difficult to face and makes you feel like you have no power left at all to suppress them, and so the last resort you do is tell God to take your #life already or just kill you since there's no #life left for you on earth anymore, because of these difficult problems you're facing. It was yet the hardest/darkest time for me dealing with the situation when mom became like that. She was almost suicidal then. She tried or should I say, she DID eat rat poison in front of me. I was in great shock. I've never been so vulnerable to pain the way I felt it witnessing mom that way. What's worse is that it's because of dad. In that very moment I can't seem to revive my senses and I was completely lost in thought. I thought mom was going to die because of eating that rat poison in her hand. But with God's love, I thank Him because she's alright after that stunt she pulled off. She just had a really bad tummy ache after. Anyway, back to the mass a while ago, the priest said that what's important in attending a mass is that, I get a moral lesson out of it; about faith that God bestows upon us. God gives us the luxury to discover His love for us, but we have to have an open mind and heart in order for that to happen. God didn't promise #life to be a bed of roses, rather God lets us experience all these hardships and trials and wants us to seek Him through the darkest hours of our lives. He wants us to be faithful and to believe in Him when we are overwhelmed with doubts. He promised us an everlasting #life. He didn't expect us to know what He meant with giving us an eternal #life, but He wants us to believe in it. Believe in Him. As I #quote from an author who is unknown; "Having faith is believing without seeing, and the reward of faith is seeing what you believe in." Trust completely to God and He will speak to you through the most ordinary things of #life. Lots of love, Era