Mr Officer Sketch The Interrogation Opens up on an enclosed room, a table, two chairs and a tape recorder occupy the space. Officer; Where were you on the night of the 8th August Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe; Depends on the time Mr officer, could you please be more specific? Officer; Ok, where were you at approximately 220? Mr Monroe; I was eating at 'Ciao Bellas' Officer; Do you remember what you had? Mr Monroe, My usual, spaghetti bolognese, the best I've had, ever. -big smile- Officer; Is it? Mr Monroe; Yes Officer; Parmesan? Mr Monroe; Yes Officer; A glass of wine, maybe? Mr Monroe; Yes Officer; Well- Mr Monroe- Well if you're just going to ask me about my dining habits Mr Officer, could we possibly do it in a more accommodating venue -gestures with hands- these chairs are rather hard and the décor, well lack of, is rather grim. Officer; Well if you let me finish Mr Monroe, I was going to say that I have reason to believe that you are lying to me. Mr Monroe; Oh -leans forward- and why would that be? Where would lying get me? Officer; Wherever you want to go Mr Monroe; Home? Officer -chuckles- Not quite yet..... We have an eye witness who saw you enter Jillian Whitmores house at approximately 21:45 and leave at approximately 22:35. Post mortem indicates that Miss Whitmore was killed/murdered at approximately 22:15. We believe you were the one who killed her. Mr Monroe; Is this whole convers.. -big smile- Interrogation going to be based solely upon approximations? If so, may I go ahead and make some of my own..Mr Officer. removes glasses, wipes them, looks through them, replaces them Well, I think, at the age of, lets say 12, approximately -big smile- you were bullied at school, mummy didn't love you and daddy was a crackhead. So now you 'bully' whoever makes you feel inferior. I just don't quite understand where I fit into this -equation- shall we say? I'm no bully, I'm not a woman and I'm certainly not a crackhead – sure I've smoked a few joints in my time but that's hardly the same is it? Maybe you had a soft spot for Miss Whitmore, maybe you want to put me away for obtaining what you couldn't? Is any of this making any sense, Mr Officer? Officer; That was very good Mr Monroe but unfortunately for you, way, way off mark. I went to private school where I was voted most popular boy of the year, every year. My father tragically passed away when I was seven and my mother attended every single sports day and parents evening. So Mr Monroe -coughs into hand- unless you're pitching a novel to me, can we please, get back to the real world? Mr Monroe; Oh I'm planted firmly in the real world Mr Officer, I just wished to highlight the ridiculousness of basing a story upon approximations. May I leave? I have some wonderful beef in my fridge which I would very much like to cook. -big smile- -Officer slides picture across the desk- Officer; That's you entering the house, -slides another picture across- that's you exiting the house. So Mr Monroe, I'll ask you again, where were you at approximately -big smile- 220 Mr Monroe; Well considering the evidence you just presented to me, surely the answer to that question is pretty damn clear? -Coughs, straightens his tie, smooths hair and straightens glasses- I apologise for the profanity. -Officer looks blankly at him- Officer; Well Mr Monroe, would you like to offer an explanation? Mr Monroe; No Officer; No? Mr Monroe; No. Officer; Well this is over a lot sooner than I had anticipated- Mr Monroe; -What do you want me to say? Officer; Why did you kill her Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe; I opened the front door -I have a key-, I called her name, heard that the television was on in the lounge so I made my way there and found Miss Whitmore lying unconscious on the floor with an upturned glass of red wine aside her. I shook her gently and splashed some water on her face, there was no response so I wrapped a blanket around her and left. Officer; You left? Mr Monroe; Yes Officer; Why didn't you call an ambulance? Mr Monroe; Miss Whitmore is a very reserved lady, this palaver of an ambulance turning up to her address would be most detrimental to her reputation. -Officer laughs out loud- Mr Monroe; Did I tell a joke? Officer, That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard Mr Monroe; Well we don't give a whoopie big fuck what you think. -Pause- Officer; We? -Pause- -Mr Monroe, removes glasses, wipes them, replaces them- Mr Monroe; -whispering- Please, not now. Officer; Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe; Please, please, please, please, plea- -removes glasses, looks at them, sets them upon the table- *Mr Monroe looks down at his lap for 10-15 seconds* Mr Monroe; -whispers- She was good Officer; I'm sorry, what? Mr Monroe; SHE WAS GOOD, Three words, surely you can keep up Officer Fuckhead? Officer; Who was good? Mr Monroe; Jillian, which other woman have we been conversing about? Officer; What do you mean she was good? Mr Monroe; Maybe good is too strong. She didn't move much, at all actually -smiles to himself- but she sure was tight. Officer; I'm sorry Mr Monroe, Could you ple- Mr Monroe; Mr Monroe? Do I look like a fucking primary school teacher to you? -SILENCE- Officer; Mr Monroe, I don't quite understand what you are attempting to do Mr Monroe. If you wish to act 'insane' in order to appeal guilty under insanity in front of a judge. I can assure you that I will tell the Jury that you appeared completely sane whilst I was questioning you, then when I unearthed the truth you acted 'insane' so that I would believe you. Mr Monroe; That's the beauty of it though Mr Officer. All notified 'insane' criminals were reported as appearing completely sane. -SILENCE- Mr Monroe; We appear to be in the real world now don't we Mr Officer? Here's the thing, I don't quite know why all officers believe they can solve every incident by reading a crime report like they are Dick-Van-FUCKING-Dyke. Officer; But you have already admitted to killing her Mr Monroe. Mr Monroe; No, I told you she was a decent fuck. -Absolute glee steals across Mr Monroes face- Think of the first half of this interrogation as an authors note before you embark upon an epic adventure. You told me post mortem indicated that she was dead at, approximately -big smile- 22:15, correct? Of course it is. Those wonderful pictures you presented to me, showed me exiting at 22:35 and making my grand appearance at 21:45, that gives me, 50 minutes, correct? -smiles- Did post mortem also tell you that 3 of her fingers were missing or that 18 teeth were missing from her skull? Of course they did, her body was found in 5 different rooms. -Pause- She didn't wake up until the first finger went. Now that's some way to get someone’s attention isn't it? -Laughs freely- As soon as she stopped screaming.. Well, my night was well and truly made. She pleaded for her #life Derek, she really did, is that your name? Is it now, you look like a derek, then she promptly pissed her panties, disgusting despicable woman. Let's play a game. 'Where was that?' Here are the rules, Rule number one, I ask the questions. Rule number two, you answer them, simple right? Question number one. Where were Jillians ears found? SILENCE Mr Monroe; Officer Fuckhead, rule number two, remember? Where were her ears found? Officer; In the study Mr Monroe; DING DING DING, A thousand pounds in the kitty. Where were her arms found? Officer; In the kitchen. Mr Monroe; DING DING DING, I wonder if they were doing the dishes -Laughs aloud- Question three, Where was her head found- I'll tell you. You're a shit contestant anyway. It was found in the Lounge smashed into the television set. Do you know how hard I had to smash her head into that TV? I heard flesh splitting and bones breaking before I heard glass smashing, why, because that's just my type of music. Fuck you Mr Officer. Fuck you. Crimes are only good for the autopsy reports. That's where the news is made. -Adopts a news reporters character- A woman was found dead, a man and 3 children were found dead- FUCK that shit, You want to know where the woman was found dead and how many times her ex boyfriend stabbed her. You want it on 'crimewatch' the show where police 'Youtube' crimes because they can't be bothered to solve and catch the criminals so they ask you to snitch for a couple quid- Oh and you do because money makes everything better, temporarily, then you go back to being broke again, so you find pleasure in hearing about people being butchered in the dark because, deep down, secretly, you're slightly happier that someone's a lot worse off than you. Officer; -clears throat- Very impressive Mr Monroe Mr Monroe; Hiding behind bravery, very commendable Mr Officer, however, when I told you that story, I didn't break eye contact with you, and do you know what I saw in those pretty eyes of yours? Emptiness, your eyes were void of all emotion, you know why? Because you were so shocked you didn't know what to feel. Shocked at my abrasive language, shocked at me unveiling the truth, regardless of what it was, you believed me Derek and once you started believing me, you couldn't un-believe me, the way you can't unsee one of those illusion paintings, usually of a fucking fish. The point where emotion returned to your eyes was when you realised, 'hey this guys telling the truth'. -Officer absently rubs his cheek- Mr Monroe; Are we nearing to an end because I'd really like that beef -big smile- Or am I going to be residing at a new residence? Officer; -Clears throat- I don't think you'll have real beef any time soon Mr Monroe, you are either going away for a very long time or you will be so doped out of your fucking mind that the concept of killing and eating a cow seems completely alien to you... So yes, Mr Monroe, we are done. -Officer stands up- Mr Monroe; But I'll still have won though, wont I? Officer; Won, how will you have won? Mr Monroe; Because you are going to be dreaming about this for many, many nights. I was there, my imagination doesn't need to work as hard. You, however, weren't and the imagination is a very powerful tool, cruel at times. I know how I removed her fingers, you don't. -Pause- How many different variations have gone through your mind already, Mr Officer? Don't forget about her head, it certainly wasn't a clean cut. I may have been caught Mr Officer but at least it wasn't because I was stupid enough to leave a weapon full of my prints at a crime scene. They're in the boot of my car if you want them, they look as fresh as a bunch of daisies although you may want to watch out for the smell. Officer; Smell? -Mr Monroe smiles- Mr Monroe; I kept her foot for a souvenir, no, a trophy shall we say. Everyone needs trophies, the need to succeed and all that bollox. -Officer presses the end button on the recorder- Officer; Fuck you Monroe Mr Monroe; Now now Mr Officer, there's no need for language like that. -laughs freely- LIGHTS COME DOWN END. Danyal Tye