Its 4am Pt 2 It's 4am and the clocks are leaning forward to accommodate the coming of summer. Cold air graces my skin, sending shivers from head to toe. I am enclosed by trees and fences so high not even I could pull down; much like the fences I put up to protect myself from the world. Lethargy and a whirlwind of emotional turmoil lay heavy on my chest. Metal paints the inside of my mouth - from the sleeping pill that failed to make me sleep for eternities. I think of the oncoming sunlight and the way it mixes with wintry weather. It is cold but beautiful as the sunlight casts shadows of light across the ground.

Tired My bones creak and my heart aches - I am tired of my rib cage and its yearning for fulfilment deep within. I am tired of the darkness; I miss the sunlight on my skin. I mourn nonexistent moments buried down inside. The beats beneath my chest are as real as the countless secrets they hide.

Sinking They call it quick sand, so why am I sinking so slowly? Sinking through the streets; sinking into bed; sinking into you. I'm a sinking ship anchored by stone. My heart is melting rock. I am trying to be something while feeling like nothing. One day I may wake up without an aching in my chest and poison crashing through my veins, but until that day I remain sinking.

I Miss The Mania The chaos and screaming Still resides in my head Minutes spent hanging I was so close to dead Blood stained bath tubs Deep enough to drown Going from manic And coming back down Climbing on roof tops Leaping across to be free Ending up back inside They always caught me So I may be bipolar And I may be a bitch But there's one little thing This one tiny itch I won't let it go I won't let it leave I'll stop my meds soon Maybe they'll grieve But they should rejoice As I won't be dead I miss the mania So I'll be manic instead

Post-hospital #life - Nothing Changes I am sinking and I am told that this is #life. This is pain and this is love and this up and down is natural. I am in love, but I am numb. Maybe chemicals in my brain are weighing on my heavy hearted chest and I am sinking while so desperately trying to swim. I am lethargic and I drag myself to the gym every day because I have goals. I also want out - out of these goals, but something pushes me: a plan, a future, a love that feels like destiny. I am far below average when it comes to emotionally stable but I am coping. Is that all #life is about, coping?