Just Me I don't know if anyone is even interested in what I write. Each time something a little different. But now I thought I'd tell you a little bit about me. I'm a wife, mother and nanna, and I love every part of it. I have a wonderful husband, he's also my best friend and I love him more and more as time goes on. My children are all amazing and really are the centre of my world. My grandson, well he's my little ray of sunshine even on a cloudy day. Then there's me.... I have progressive osteoarthritis that was only diagnosed 6 years ago. It started with intermittent joint pain and inflammation and has now moved on to where I need double knee replacements. It's very bad in my legs and also my arms and hands, it's all down my spine and in my hips aswell. Six years ago I enjoyed joining in with my children for football, rollerblading, cycling, walking and generally having fun together. Now I sit in a wheelchair and watch while they have fun with their dad. I use an electric scooter to get around outdoors but need to have someone with me because due to pain in my back and neck I'm unable to turn enough to check its safe to cross a road. At home I use either crutches or a walking frame to get to the bathroom. On a bad day the pain is so bad I'm unable to get out of bed. My children have become my carers while my husband works full time. Most of the time there's always someone here with me as even something as simple as making a cuppa is beyond my reach. I have to take so many tablets just to get me through the day. It's like being trapped in a body that can no longer do what I want. But please don't think that for one minute I look for sympathy, because that's not what I need. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make my body stronger so that I can do the things I want. Me writing on here is a step forward, so I'm open to any comments and suggestions. I look forward to hearing from you, hopefully?

Darkness It's dark, not pitch but dark enough to know its night. I lay still feeling the rhythmic beating of my heart, my breathing seeming somewhat laboured. Drip drip drip I hear outside my window the rain has stopped for now, but she'll be back. A car drives past my window it's tyres clearing a path in the standing water on the roads surface. It's quiet again, not quite, the sound of traffic in the distance echoing out a gentle pulsing tone that's somehow soothing. Wondering who is going where? A lorry carrying it's load, a bus with most seats empty, a taxi driving to and from the destination asked for. For right here right now it all seems so silent but if we listen beyond ourselves beyond our walls, the world outside keeps turning. Never completely coming to a halt, slowing yes but stopping no. My heartbeat has eased now gentle slowing to her night time rhythm. My breathing too has mellowed, allowing me to relax to a different place. Somewhere deep inside my thoughts to a place where all is quiet and peaceful, at least for now. The drip drip outside my window has stopped making the silence seem almost amplified. Until another car drives by, tyres splashing in the wet. So now it is sleeps gentle hand that brushes across my face, beckoning me to give in to my tiredness and close my heavy eyes. Time to give in I think, and drift off to my happy place.

What Next I've not written anything for days, somehow feeling empty of words for the page. It's late, again, somehow this seems to be the only time I can think. Really think without all the mundane day to day issues whirling round my mind. I'm feeling lost in the sense of who I am who I wanted to be. It's been so long since I asked myself those questions that now they seem so difficult to answer. Caught up in the whirlwind of the last twenty years never being able to stop or free myself for even a moment. I find myself wanting to hold up my hand as if to catch someone's eye, to make myself seen again. Only I can make the changes I so desperately seem to crave, but being brave enough to take that step, to reach out and stop the merry go round I'm on, if only for a while. I'm not sure if I can do this, but I'm going to try and I'm gonna keep looking til I find what it is I want next.

When The Rain Comes I need to venture out today, well I say need to I could put it off til another but I enjoy my routine trip to town. Always going in the same few shops, safe, familiar. By far my favourite is the art shop I visit. I say art, but use that term broadly as the abundance of goods they have on sale would not fit into one sole catagory. They always greet me with a friendly smile and welcoming hello Debbie, as I'm on first names with most of the staff. Pat is lovely always on hand to assist me with anything I need. I always look forward to my visit, it's like an Aladdins cave of treats and treasures. Every visit shows something new, a previous undiscovered item or maybe something new. It brings back so many happy memories of being like a child in a sweet shop . Except this is a grown up sweet shop, I smile just thinking of it.

When The Rain Comes I need to venture out today, well I say need to I could put it off til another but I enjoy my routine trip to town. Always going in the same few shops, safe, familiar. By far my favourite is the art shop I visit. I say art, but use that term broadly as the abundance of goods they have on sale would not fit into one sole catagory. They always greet me with a friendly smile and welcoming hello Debbie, as I'm on first names with most of the staff. Pat is lovely always on hand to assist me with anything I need. I always look forward to my visit, it's like an Aladdins cave of treats and treasures. Every visit shows something new, a previous undiscovered item or maybe something new. It brings back so many happy memories of being like a child in a sweet shop . Except this is a grown up sweet shop, I smile just thinking of it.