Not Funny At All What did the deaf, dumb, blind, wheel chair bound, 5 year old with paralysis from the waist down, brittle bone disease and diabetes get for Christmas? ...Cancer.

Look Over Your Shoulders First How many black people does it take to change a light bulb? ...One ...You fucking racist.

Short Jurassic Park Scientists decide only to breed herbivores. Film goes on for days, repeating footage of anamatronic triceratops eating shrubs. Entire crowd leaves after half an hour, occasionally returning to see if anything interesting had happened... It hadn't.

Philosophy #2 The early bird catches the worm. The early worm gets eaten, potentially robbing a dependent family of worms of it's only source of income. Adding insult to injury, the worm gets turned into waste and potentially displayed on cars or public art. Think before the next time you set your alarm... You heartless bastard!

Philosophy #1 If at first you don't succeed. Give up. It's clear you're not very good at it.