Stand Up My first stand up attempt was a disaster. Mind you I was only ten months old at the time.

The amount of people who confuse ''to'' and ''too'' is amazing two me.

I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'. I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

Patient In Hospital A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet. "He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!! "The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Archaeologists have made a major breakthrough in Egypt, they have found a tomb of an ancient king embalmed in chocolate. His name is Pharaoh Rocher.