Victoria Sponge cake 150g butter, softened 150g golden castor sugar 2 eggs 150g self raising flour 2 tablespoons jam Preheat oven to 175C (gas4) and grease two sandwich tins. 1. Cream butter and sugar together until light. 2. Whisk the eggs gently in a bowl or jug. 3. Add 1/3 of the flour and 1/3 egg. Beat well, repeating until all egg and flour incorporated. 4. Divide between tins and bake for 30 mins or until risen, golden brown and springy to the touch. 5. Leave to cool on a wire rack and sandwich with jam. Sprinkle with castor sugar and enjoy on a summers afternoon with a pot of tea.

Spider I am torn between finding a piece of paper to use as a thin platform of mercy and turning on the tap, watching its legs swirl round as it floats down the towards the drain.