There are bastards on the Downs at dusk They won't hurt, said the horrible woman. One of them ate Frank, while the other watched. He spat him out because a six-month-old whippet isn't even big enough to count as a meaningful snack to Great Danes. Or because Frank had farted. Or because he was choking on Frank's body warmer. It definitely wasn't because of me or the distant, largely disinterested owners. I panicked and bellowed at them. Control your dogs please, they are eating mine. Don't worry, they won't hurt you. It occurred to me they may not even be able to see Frank from where they were. It was dusk, and the speaker had her back to me. It's not me I'm worried about, I said, semi accurately. Frank remained pinned to the ground, whimpering, contemplating his short #life. Later, as we hid over the other side of a hill, our hear rates decreasing, Frank wined at the silhouettes of two sharp corner roadsigns in the distance, which looked to both of us like the same Great Danes, after eating their own heads. I inspected his injuries. A nick to the ear, all told. But can one really measure the psycological scars? Mine or his. Although it was dark we went to the wreck in search of friendly hounds and confidence. I told the first owner, whose name I do not know so we will have to call him Oscar, of our ordeal. Beware of the bastards on the Downs with unruly dogs, he growled, through the night. I've stopped taking my Japanese Fighting Dog up there, altogether.

Whippet Fact Sheet 1. Whippets are clean, largely hairless, easy to house train and very very good at sleeping. 2. A whippet puppy's nose grows suddenly and with purpose at about three-four months. 3. A running whippet is a happy whippet, but sometimes young ones forget they can do it for weeks. 4. They chew soft things at head height, but will not nibble people unless excited during play, when it will be an accident if it hurts. 5. Despite its size a whippet puppy is capable of fat man-like farts. Of course it has no social grace and will do this wherever it likes, irrespective of company. It does not respond to disquiet about it's output carrying on all night. 6. Puppy whippets are amongst the prettiest in the park. 7. Frank drops less hair than Jess 8. Whippets are fussy eaters, unless it is what you're eating. If we ate dog food, they would love it. 9. They do not whine or bark a great deal unless excited or hungry or sad. 10. Whippets can jump very high, especially if freedom is on the other side. 11. They do not like the wet and will rub themselves on you or other absorbent things like new sofas to achieve an opposite state. 12. Other animals' poo will be licked, eaten and walked in without regard. 13. Whippets love their pack and want to be as close to it as possible. This makes walking off the lead easy and separation at night uneasy. 14. They need clothes in winter but will quiver anyway.

Whippet Fact Sheet 1. Whippets are clean, largely hairless, easy to house train and very very good at sleeping. 2. A whippet puppy's nose grows suddenly and with purpose at about three-four months. 3. A running whippet is a happy whippet, but sometimes young ones forget they can do it for weeks. 4. They chew soft things at head height, but will not nibble people unless excited during play, when it will be an accident if it hurts. 5. Despite its size a whippet puppy is capable of fat man-like farts. Of course it has no social grace and will do this wherever it likes, irrespective of company. It does not respond to disquiet about it's output carrying on all night. 6. Puppy whippets are amongst the prettiest in the park. 7. Frank drops less hair than Jess 8. Whippets are fussy eaters, unless it is what you're eating. If we ate dog food, they would love it. 9. They do not whine or bark a great deal unless excited or hungry or sad. 10. Whippets can jump very high, especially if freedom is on the other side. 11. They do not like the wet and will rub themselves on you or other absorbent things like new sofas to achieve an opposite state. 12. Other animals' poo will be licked, eaten and walked in without regard. 13. Whippets love their pack and want to be as close to it as possible. This makes walking off the lead easy and separation at night uneasy. 14. They need clothes in winter but will quiver anyway.

Dogs in burberry blankets Amongst the things I didn't know about Whippets before inviting one in for 15 years was that they get cold, because they're skinny and wimpy. They actually need clothes. This news arrived to an audience of regret and disbelief on my part and profound joy on the part of Jess who'd been desperate to Google Brightly Coloured Wooly Whippet Warmers since it had dropped below 10. If you know Jess, and I'm sorry if you don't, you will know that written into her DNA, next to the strand which says breathe often, is one which says there is no such thing as too much colour. (...Our sofa is aubergine. The cushions which litter it are variously pink, hot pink, orange and pink, brown and pink, red and pink, purple and pink, off pink and pink and yellow. They feature motifs from the abstract to cup cakes, Chiwawas, floral union jacks, owls and flowers. A lot of flowers. Amongst the other items visible from where I sit are a pink flower pot with a yellow chilli plant in it; a pink and orange clock; pinky purple flowers with LEDs inside them draped over the telly; a headless, legless paper mache mannequin which has been covered in multi-coloured, multi-patterned tissue paper; a purple throw; two benches, painstakingly hand-covered by Jess in thousands of stamps; a light blue, spotty table cloth; a black board wall with a pink clock on it, endless plastic flowers in shades of pink; bright green, orange and pink candle lanterns and, another, multi-coloured, clock made from solid square blocks, each its own bright tone. Frank and I are always the dullest things in the room, by a long way. It works, in the inexplicable way the universe is both chaotic and uniform. It is madness and beauty in one. I am not involved in its creation or maintenance and it is far better for it.) When Frank walked in for the first time, eight weeks of age, he looked rightly startled. And at six months, those same eyes, still struggling to adjust, looked at me this week, saying, Adam, stop her from adding that to our basket. Please. It's pink. Actually, I want to choose, he continued. Neither of you two are up to it. Everything Jess owns is pink, and I've no idea what your shit looks like because it's not allowed out of the loft. I can only imagine it must be worse. Not pink, I said, speaking up for the dog. And not burberry. And god, not whatever that is. Not that. What do you mean we'll have to have the wax jacket with the wooly inside then? There must be other options. Whippet Warmers-r-us (or similar), in its own way, was polarising the English class system before our eyes. This winter our dog, it seemed, was to present as posh, chavvy or pink, or remain naked and quivering at the Wreck. You chose the only breed that has to be dressed up like a doll, Jess thought, as I moaned. I'm fucked, Frank muttered. Even Rossco will laugh at me, and he looks like a sheep on the outside.