I've decided if someone doesn't like me I'm just going to fade away from them completely. Really sensing the whole "don't like you you're a complete waste of my time" vibe from fucking Emma. I rang her today and she was being all douchey about me not wanting to work next week for her. I wouldn't have known my work schedule this week if it weren't for the fact that I'd rang her and asked what I was working. Obviously you don't like me but could you please make it less apparent? And perhaps be professional about it. I felt guilt ridden and full of angry beetles about leaving that job and then I've just thought, fuck it. Why am I being remorseful? I was basically forced out of my job because I'm a bit emotionally fragile and I can't drive and she felt like she could just reduce my hours without much notice at all. And she's expecting me to be delighted about only having two hours week for the last week? So tired of treading around eggshells and having to just breathe deeply before even going into the shop or having a mini heart attack whenever she rings. That's another thing that bugs me. She always rings when a text would do. Plus it's nice to have details in writing. Just in case you or your boss (Emma you dick) is a complete space cadet and changes her rules and her schedule and her mind every time the wind blows. I felt angry and upset. Now I'm tired and drained. I feel rubbishy to be honest. Like a flat lemonade. No bubbles. I miss Paul. I'm going to make him a nice dinner tomorrow, set the table, and run him a hot soapy bath. He's (I think) quite possibly, the love of my #life. He reached into the darkness where I had hidden myself, and he came along and actually TALKED WITH ME not at me and LISTENED TO ME not just hearing. I said I wanted to die. I had truly had enough of living. And he said, no. I'm going to help you. And he did. And he has. And I know he will continue to go on helping me. I love him more than words could ever explain. But for now running a bath and a nice meal will have to suffice. I've gotten him a little card too, I think I've just found out what it is I'm going to write in it. He's so special to me. I need to focus on the gold and good things in my #life. It's time I started living, not merely lurching from one low state to another. #life is tough. I know that. #life WAS tough. It's a step a day and it will all add up to progress, and it will be easier now, or will be one day. Just keep moving those stubborn feet forwards. That mountain is a big fucker. So pick up your little booted feet and get walking. One little step a day. But the long shadow of the long past passes slowly before the sunshine can pierce through. All things take time. And though I'm not rich and have no money, at the moment I have all the time in the world to lean into and be enfolded by. Nights are the sleep dream blanket that descends on me. Xoxo xoxoox xoxo.

It's dark and the curtains are cold. The feeble light of the street under the#moonpokes through and keeps me up at night. I drifted off but woke up feeling painful. The tonsils are at it again. I decide its time for a cuppa so up I get, creaking like an old flooboard. As I stand by the counter and wait for the kettle to sing its song, I wonder. How did I get to be this old?

I am the why, when you feel sad. I am the ache in your mouldy tooth. I am the sag of your old skin. I am the wrinkles folded deep. I am the frustration when you can't sleep. I am the anguish when you have to be at work for twelve hours and you can't be arsed. I am the rain that soaks in through your shoes. I am the marble in your cold hands. I am the illness that makes you weak. I am everywhere. You can hide from me for a little while but in the end I always find you again. I reach into your heart and hold it and chill it. I am the key that locks your door. I'm going to keep you safe. So I can eat you. Love, #depression.

I am fucked.

Happy. I'm happy now or so it seems. I'm wandering in waking dreams. I found a way out of this mess, and now I feel I must digress. #life is short it's far too fast. So go have fun, and make it last.