New Girlfriend I went down to see old Slipalong Trevascus the other day and told im that I thought me new bird might be the one for me but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a french maid's outfit and a policewomans uniform and a nurses outfit I thought I would dump her .She obviously can't hold down a fcuking job

Push Last Thursday night 3.00am there was a knocking on the door, I went and opened it and there was a drunk who asked me to give him a push, it was pissing down and freezing cold so I told him to piss off and went back to bed . Terri asked what had happened and I told her about the drunk She went bloody mad and reminded me of the late night we broke down in the rain and I asked for help . I reluctantly went back to the door and shouted out into the dreadful night The man who wanted a push are you there , he quickly answered so I shouted where are you he shouted back through the gales and rain I'm on the swing

Traffic Warden's fun eralþ As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’sfuneral, a voice from inside screams“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!” The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters“Too f**king late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

My wife Went home last night and my wife suggested I geta penis enlarger. I am meeting a blonde 21 year old nymph tonight.

Heart Warming Bullshit Story In 1986 Peter Davis was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University. On a hike through the bush he came upon a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air, the elephant seemed distressed so Peter approached it very carefully, he got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, he found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in the foot and as carefully and as gently as possible Peter worked the wood out with his knife. The elephant lowered the foot down and turned to face Peter and with a rather curious look on it's face stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that experiance with the elephant.Twenty years later Peter was walking through a zoo with his son, as he approached the elephant enclosure one of the elephants turned and walked over to where Peter was standing, the large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted it's foot in the air,trumpeted loudly and lowered the foot, the elephant did this several times all the while staring at Peter. Remembering the events in 1986 and that an elephant never forgets Peter summoned up his courage, climed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked over to the elephant and stared at it with a large smile, the elephant trumpeted again and gently wrapped it's trunk around Peter's waist gently raising him up in the air, again the elephant trumpeted and smashed Peter against the wall instantly killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.