I'm Not In A Cheese Mood I'm not in a cheese mood. I don't mean to be rude, Please don't start a feud, I'm simply not in a cheese mood. I'm not in a cheese mood. I hope this isn't misconstrued As some crude attitude; I'm just not in a cheese mood. Don't make me obtrude, I'll remain subdued As long as I don't have to eat that food. Look, I'd just prefer it if you'd Politely exclude Me from your culinary interlude. I don't want to be viewed As obnoxious or crude I just don't want any cheese, dude. My face is becoming blued, Just listen to me, Jude, I am not in a cheese mood.

Misheard Lights up. A drug dealer stands alone on stage. A man walks by to collect his 'order' discretely. The man exits. Enter another man. MAN (in a strong cockney accent): Have you got my cocaine? DEALER: Sorry, I don't know him. Blackout. The End.

Childhood Fears When I was a kid, I was scared of the dentist - he was a paedophile.' --Jimmy Carr