So the other day I was about to get off with some girl I had pulled, and I asked her if she had any condoms. "There's some in the drawer over there," she said. I opened the drawer and I found a picture of a guy there. "Who's this," I asked her, "Your ex?" "No", she replied. "Your boyfriend?" "No" "Your husband?" "No," she said, "That's me before the operation."

Hey I just met you And this is crazy But I have Alzheimer's Hey I just met you

Teacher: Ok class I want to know your names and your favourite hobbies. Child 1: I'm Herp and I like watching bubbles in the bathtub! Child 2: I'm Derp and I like watching bubbles in the bathtub! Child 3: I'm Perp and I like watching bubbles in the bathtub! Teacher: That's strange, all the boys have the same hobby. Anyway, what's your name, young lady? Child 4: I'm Bubbles and I like to have baths!

Offensive Joke A woman has three daughters, and the first one come up to her and says "Mummy, why am I called Lily?" She replies "Because when you were born, a Lily landed on your head." The second one says to her, "Mummy, why am I called Rose?" She replies "Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head." The third one after some time says, "My favourite colour is potato" "SHUT UP BRICK"

Some jokes I do not have an OCD over tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up. I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated. I was arrested at a recent football match for shouting at the opposition fans: "Oxidisation! Combustion! Ignition! Friction!" The police said my remarks were inflammatory. My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will. The British Medical Association has weighed in on the health care reforms: The Allergists have voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists have advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists have a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists think the government have a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians feel they are labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists consider the idea short-sighted. Pathologists have come out strongly declaring, 'Over my dead body', while the Paediatricians said 'Oh Grow up'. The Psychiatrists think the whole idea is madness, while the Radiologists can see right through it. Surgeons are fed up with the cuts and have decided to wash their hands of the issue. ENT specialists won't swallow the proposals and just won't hear about it. Pharmacologists think that it is a bitter pill to swallow, whilst Plastic Surgeons have observed, 'that this puts a whole new face on the matter'. The Podiatrists think it is a big step forwards, but the Urologists are pissed off with the whole idea, whilst the Anaesthetists think the whole idea is a gas. Meanwhile the Cardiologists don't have the heart to say no. In the end the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision to the arseholes in London. I can remember my teacher telling me, I wouldn't amount to anything if I carried on with my compulsive lying. Proved him wrong, I got a job as a Weatherman. The government say I can't get my pension yet, as I am only 22. I hate being born on a leap year... All my friends are 88. I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull. Fosters. Rumour has it that many Premier League footballers have attempted to hang themselves recently, but have failed for various reasons. Wayne Rooney couldn't find a rope strong enough. Fernando Torres attempted to kick the chair away but kept missing. Peter Crouch couldn't find a high enough ceiling. Mario Balotelli couldn't manage to put the noose on the right way. Carlos Tevez refused to step off the bench. John Terry had to call a press conference and apologise for calling his rope a "brown cunt". For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll, please. Just bought FIFA 12 and I already noticed a glitch, when you play away at Wigan Athletic they have a full stadium. I hate it when I'm watching adverts and the x factor interrupts them