Friends Or Strangers?
We promised to be friends forever, but now i feel that such a promise was made by three different people in another #lifetime.
Today when we met i felt as though i was meeting two strangers - and for the first time i saw you both through the eyes, not of a friend, but as an
observer. Yes we were physically sat around a table together, but emotionally i felt as though a tempestous sea separated us.
And the part that makes me the most sad is that i didnt even want to try and swim across that sea to reunite with either of you.
* * * *
I thought i could rely on you both, and i wanted to believe so badly that you would always be there, but i cannot pretend to be okay anymore when you have both let me down in the most cruel of ways.
I wish i had the confidence to clear the air with you both, but in truth, i wouldnt know where to start.
What makes me most sad, is the fact that neither of you realise that you have made me feel the way that i do.
I feel so incredibly disappointed in you both; i realise that i mean nothing to either of you.
The facade of our friendship, and the empty words that you write in birthday cards that say "we will be friends forever....i love you like a sister..." - it all means nothing to me anymore. The veil of our friendship has lifted, and all i see are the ashes that remain of the memories and good times that we once shared.
After not seeing you for months, today i realised that the final nail was put into the coffin, and our friendship was laid to rest. The people that i met for lunch were not my friends - instead i was sat with two of the most bitter and pessimistic strangers that i have ever encountered. You were both mocking people that we were once friends with, on account of their happiness be it in their new relationships or new jobs. I cannot understand how you could both be so negative about someone else's happiness?
I was also disappointed about how egocentric you both were. Of course when catching up with friends, you each tell each other news, but a conversation is two sided: listening and speaking. Instead i listened intently whilst you both waffled on about your own lives, whilst when i said anything about mine, you were either on your phone or entirely uninterested.
If i realised one thing from our meeting today, it is that i cannot put my happiness into either of your hands anymore - because everytime i have done so, you have dropped it.
I truly wish that it could have worked out but neither of you are worth my time or effort anymore, i am sad to say.
So here it goes, more than 10 years of friendship down the drain...
If only you had both been there for me and valued our friendship in the way that i used to.
I will look back to the good times we had with nostalgia, but there will be no new memories made between us. I must now forge my own path to new things, and with new people, as we have clearly outgrown each other's company.
I wish you both the best and i hope that you achieve the things that you want in #life. You have always expected me to be there in your #life - a constant - but i cannot be such a pawn in your #life anymore. There are so many things that i want to do, so many places to explore, i need to fly. Please dont clip my wings anymore and send me crashing back down to earth. Let me escape.
* im sorry if this seems extremely childish and petty out of context. I had to release some of my sadness, and i have found writing this a very cathartic way to release some of my feelings about the grief of losing two of my oldest childhood friends
