Would you like some honesty ? I feel like a fair amount of drunk honesty would do our relationship some good.
 1. ” you can’t treat me like this. I am not your little bitch. Respect me. ” BULLSHIT. I have no dignity when I stand in front of you. No pride, no backbone. God dammit, even when I get offended by something you say or do, I can’t stay angry or sulk for long. One look at your face, or one word you say is enough for me to take you back with no punishments, without even waiting for an apology, no matter how much you wound, cut, bruise me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive you for. Being treated like a less than nothing, suffering all kinds of injuries and insults. Fuck it. I don’t even think a moment before I forgive you. Even better, when you hurt me, and I say or do something that might hurt you in the heat of the moment, I don’t only forgive you for what you did, but I also apologise for having answered. I’m literally a martyr. I’ve turned myself into some forgiving Mother Priestess, the problem is that I’m black and bruised and I should retaliate, I know it, but I can’t find it in myself to hurt you. I am very capable of it, but if I scratch you I cut myself open, if I hurt you I agonise. 2. “the physical part is too hard for me to handle. I’d rather leave that part out of our relationship, I am glad we agree on that point too.” BULLSHIT. If you had had a condom with you on new year’s eve, I would have said yes, I would have kept you in bed until 2013, I would have left all those scratches and bite marks on your skin to feel as if I had claimed you as mine. Fuck morality and what’s supposed to be said and done, fuck the way your ‘first time’ is supposed to be magical and special. Like I give a shit about all that. I want you. I would kill to be your clothes, cling to your body and have your smell linger on me. I am burning for you. There hasn’t been a moment in the last weeks that I haven’t thought of ripping your clothes. Goddamit I would have you on top of me all the time of I could, I would handcuff you to a bedpost and keep you my prisoner for days and nights. I wish you would take me so hard against a wall that I would get a fucking brain concussion. I’m literally seeing red. It was like this before new year’s eve, and now it’s worse because you have given me material to fantasise on. In the middle of a song, or when I am doing the most random of things, I get these flashes of what it was like, tasting you, lying next to you, pulling your hair, hearing you moan or your breath hitch and I can’t even breathe without growling. You are my goosebumps, you are the shiver that runs down my spine, you are my accelerated pulse. And I vow it to the gods if they exist and to the earth and skies if they don’t that I will have you before I put you in the grave. 3. “I am glad to hear that you still have a hope with her. Your loving her doesn’t hurt me. I feel no hate towards her, and towards you either, it’s just how things worked out, and I am accepting it” UTTER BULLSHIT. She is my friend and I appreciate her, but I can’t look at her without thinking of the happiness I would have if she hadn’t existed. If you and her had dated when she first came, if she wasn’t so similar, yet so different from me. There’s not a moment where I don’t think of how things could have worked out differently if I hadn’t been such an unlucky bastard. I love her for being my friend and my confident and someone I can a have a old laugh with, but I also loathe her guts for existing. She has stolen my heaven and I will never ever forgive her for that, even though I know it isn’t her fault. I should loathe you, but skies be damned, I am incapable of that. I love you, it terrifies me how much I would be ready to give up to have you, but I love you. You put your arms around me and I’m home. I never felt like that anywhere else. No matter how much you hurt me, your existence eases my breathing, and I celebrate every breath you take. You are the only heaven I want. If I was happily married and our paths had crossed, I would have disgraced my name, I would have hurt and abandoned all my loved ones to run after you. It hurts like shit, but it’s all I want. I feel like I’m not living, I feel like I’m just killing time until the day you’ll take my hand. And I don’t care about the misery and the cries. I will pretend every man I’ll be with is you, I will love them comparing to you, and adore all the things about them that resemble you. “No one’s gonna love you”. Great song, an dhow ironic it is that I sing it to you, while you listen to it thinking of another one. How painful and funny.

Epiphany Three o'clock in the morning. You don't even know why you're still awake. And suddenly, deep inside, something, triggered a few days ago, pushes the carefully installed dominos of your personality. One by one they fall, and wave by wave you realize what you had hidden from yourself for such a long time. You know why you fight so much. All is suddenly crystal clear. It's because you've lost faith; because never have you meant to people what they meant to you; because if you don't fight, you are deserted, the only way you know to interact with people is to provoke, trap and imprison them. Ouch. Because you've been teaching yourself for years to fuel your wrath with deceptions and heartbreaks. Ouch. Because even when you say you love people, you're lying. Because you've taught yourself not to love them. Oh holy god. You are the loneliest person you've ever met. Oh shit. And you realize this only now. How stupid were you to blame others, how dare you accuse them of creating this ... Thing, when you've sculpted it with your own hands in years ? Oh shit. "What have you triggered in me ? It's killing me to see myself as I am." You send a message to the New Sunlight. And in some sick kind of way, you discover the monster that's been dwelling inside for years, and for the first time, you and It are not quite the same. And your breaths are somehow easier take.

A New Sunlight For years you fight. Against everyone. Every moment, every situation is a battlefield. Then, one day, someone comes and tells you what you've been waiting to hear for so long, since you're too busy to tell it to yourself. He says that you fight too much against the current, that you should lay your weapons down, that by fighting this much, all that you would get at the end of the day is pain, and tiredness and deception. You know he's right, but how could you stop fighting when it is the only thing that keeps you alive ? When you know that once you won't be preoccupied by your battlefields, you will look at yourself, for the first time in years, and realize how tired, how scarred you are, how much blood and mud is on your hands ? When you will undoubtedly fall on your knees and weep all the deceptions, betrayals, and pain you had to live through in the past years, that you had managed to bury deep in you ? This is too scary you say, I can't do it. I will be shattered, it will kill me, can't you see it, you shout. If I don't fight against people, I will start loving them. Because I will see in everyone something worth love and protection. Arms down and with the trust and love of a child I will walk, and I will die. It will kill me, I don't want to die, I don't want the pain, I don't want to love, when you love people and they hurt you, it burns too much, can't you see it, I am too weak, I'm not strong like you, I'm just a child who is too scared to love, you cry. I don't want to believe that people are fascinating, I know how easy it is to love, do you think that I was like this since I jumped out of the womb ? I loved people, I adored them, every smile, every word, every kind gesture was fascinating. Even in the meanest of people I saw the kindness, the innocence, the broken heart, the yearning for love. And I got hurt. And I burned until I was nothing but coal and smoke, so I hid all my love and my passion, my bright eyes, my fascination in the deepest pits of the fire at the core of myself. I fed my bitterness with my deceptions until I was ruthless warrior, a lioness, someone that no one could beat, or hurt, but also someone that no one could truly touch, whose soul and heart was sealed from the people. He listens silently, while you talk and talk, and cry. And for the first time in 10 years, you breath normally, and it's like a sudden cool breeze calms the fires of your soul down. Never had you told all this to anyone, some of the things you were saying were even unknown to do, and as you free your heart from all the bitterness, you realize how much you had missed to talk with someone. And you realize that maybe this is what having a best friend is, and that you never want to lose this person. And that for the first time, you love someone this much without any romanticism. ...and that that person should never read this because it would scare the shit out of you to know that you've laid all your cards and that you might not mean to him what he means to you. ...still, boy, you are the only person who has ever altered me this much. For me, you are: "The only sense the world has ever made." -Elbow, Switching Off

Agony "When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse?" - Coldplay, Fix You I had been waiting for this message for hours. My hands shivered as I stared at my phone, hoping for the engine to deliver to me the words that would change my #life. I was sure. We had been closer than ever for a week now, and just two days ago had I realized that I was absolutely and irreversibly in love with my best friend. He somehow fitted the definition of every single thing that I had ever wanted and yearned for. Needing to talk to someone about it, I had talked to a commun female friend of ours, (we'll call her 'D') who, just like all of my other friends, had said that we "totally should date", that the way we looked at each other was more than enough to prove how perfect we were together. I was filled with some kind of joy, until I realized how moody he looked. He looked sad, and tired. When I asked him why he wasn't feeling good, he replied that he was ok, and that he needed to talk to me, that he would send me a message that night, and would explain to me all the things that scared the shit out of him, and that had something to do with me. I knew it, he had been scared of relationships and love altogether since his last breakup, and he was going to tell me that I was what he needed, and that he wanted us to be more than friends, that he had finally realized that we were somehow completing each other in ways that we didn't even know that we were incomplete. I hugged him one last time before jumping on the bus that was taking me home from school. I was on the edge of bliss, trying to hold myself back from believing completely and crazily in what hadn't happened yet, and what I had been wanting so badly. But, no matter how much I tried, I was sure, in the core of my soul and heart that the moment I had been waiting for had arrived. How foolish of me. I lied on my bed, my phone a few inches from my face, and put my earphones on. And I waited, and I waited. I woke up to the vibrations of my phone. One new message : "I am so confused". Then another one : "It's about D". A third one : "I think I like her". Hell breaks loose. Your hands shivering you call him. "tell me more about it" you say. He says he doesn't really know, but that it's been on and off through the whole year. You don't really listen, you feel like he bad guy in some kind of cosmic soap opera, at the end of which the villain goes down and dies in his corner, or gets shot right in the temple, and his brains paint the walls. "what are you talking about ?" he says. You hadn't even noticed that you were talking aloud. It's nothing. It's just me having realized that I was in love with you just two days ago. It's just me waiting for the cameras to come out of nowhere and tell me this is some kind of sick joke. It's just me not breathing. It's just me wishing street dogs would rip my heart off it's roots and devour it raw. It's just me dying.

The Worst You know what the worst part is ? The worst part about this whole "messed up couple" we make is that now, after that conversation we had, I know that you know it too. Know what ? That we would have been as happy as it gets,if we were together. I always craved for a boy like you, you know, the brother-ish/sexy/intelligent type of guy. Someone who could actually protect me, watch after me and make me feel disconnected from the rest of the universe. And you, you need a girl who loves you like a mother sometimes, protective but who believes that you can very well handle yourself, tender but not gooey. A girl who could say just what you need to hear. Who would say yes when you need it, not because she's unable to have her own ideas, but because she knows the importance of a simple 'yes' in a relationship. You know it too now, and it is a pain in the ass because we never could be together. You would want me to change before you take me, and I wouldn't try to change until I would have you mine. Hilarious, isn't it ?