The Death Of Me A day… A week… A month… Without out you feels like an eternity. Engulfed by emotions, I realized I was a fool & you knew it. I trusted you, Told you everything. No matter how personal or embarrassing… Why couldn't you have done the same? You left me like a piece of garbage… Just left on the brutal pavement… Left to rot. Yes, I messed up… But I told you, I asked for forgiveness, I didn't keep it from you. When I could've simply lied. I wouldn't have done it if I'd known I would be paying like this. You disappeared, Didn't say a thing… No warning, No note, Simply just disappeared. Now my mind's playing with me. Trying to piece a puzzle to which I know not what the image is. You lied to me… Promised you'd never break my heart. Now it's scattered in a million pieces, While I lay here weeping in silence. Paper soaked in tears. Trying to answer my own questions, Questions like: • Did you ever really mean everything you ever said to me? • Could you really have forgotten about me so quickly? • Was I just a game to you? • Did you find love with someone else? • Did you ever really love me? Truth is… It would've been simpler if you would've told me. Even if it meant you found love with someone else. Because honestly, I wouldn't still be wondering if I should hate you or still wait for you. "I think I fucking love you!" You make me feel pathetic. I feel like a worthless soul. But part of me doesn't want to let go of the idea of us. I just wanted to let you know, You win! You fooled me. Thanks for the fairy tale, I believe it. I fell for every part of it. Fell for a blind, painful love. Fell so hard my prince, That it pains me to admit it. Because I honestly and truly believed you. Will I ever forget you… Forget the thought of US? Nope. Probably not. But you left me to wonder and that's a very cruel thing to do. Mostly if you knew the things that crawl through my mind… All the things that perturb my mind. I just really wish I knew why you disappeared. Should I wait for you? It's been months now, I still can't help but shed a tear every time I am reminded of you. I know I'll hate myself… Hate myself if you were just busy or something and still loved me and wanted me. But I can't do this anymore… I can't go on like this. It hurts too much. My thoughts constantly attack me. I really did like you. So much… you were my first love. But I don't think I have it in me to fight for you anymore… To wait for you any longer. It feels like all that time with you was just part of my imagination… Because I always knew you were too perfect for me. Not seeing a message from you or receiving a letter, Is sufficient enough for me to feel like… I've lost the battle. It breaks me. I think it has become obvious that I walk around with a fake smile. You were the first one I truly trusted, And the first one to ever break me. So maybe… I did love you. But now I feel barren and alone. #lifeless… to be exact. But even if it means I have to let go of every beautiful moment we shared together, So that the pain will stop… I will. I will forget all of them. No matter how much I treasure them. I still constantly think about you my love. But perturbing thoughts, silence, uncertainty, and lack of happiness… Is not worth it anymore. I wanna be me again. I used to be happy and so giggly. I smiled at everyone, I loved #life. Now I can barely get out of bed… Without thinking about you, Without breaking down, And remembering that I've lost the one and only thing I was always so afraid of losing. And no matter how successful I think I've become, Eventually I find myself crying once in a while. That's why I've decided to give up on "US". Because to be honest, Not hearing from you in months makes me feel like I'm talking to myself. Like as if the whole thing was part of my imagination. You truly were perfect to me. And I hope that whoever she is… Finds you as amazing and sweet, Just like I once did. I wish you nothing but the best… My knight in shinning armor. Sincerely but painfully, Amzy (your once, princess) July 1st, 2015
