Don't Go Yet
You know the feeling when you lose something dear to you, when your heart stops beating for a bit and you can feel the emptiness… The emptiness that only comes when there is nothing left that can be done, the emptiness when you know the loss will hurt less every day, but you will have to deal with every second of the pain it brings now. The holowness inside when you think of what’s lost is what really makes it all so slow. Every moment lasts for ever. Every tear drags another one with it. It’s such an undescribable feeling when you lose one of the dearest things to you, the one you have been taking for granted until the moments got shorter, until it started hitting you that you only have a week, a day, a minute left together. The moment when you realise that you might never see the person who became the sister you never had, that’s when you can let it all out. No one is allowed to stop you then, you can cry for a minute or a year and noone can stop you, because this is what you had and now might never find it again. Like the happiness with your friends or family. It might even hurt more then death because really when someone dyes you know you will never see them again and after some time you deal with it. But when a person is taken from you and you don’t know what will happen… That’s what scares me the most… Not knowing whether it’s goodbye or see you later. The unknown.
Saying goodbye is the worst. If you aren’t a cryer it’s hard, you want to show how sad you are, but aren’t able to. It isn’t easy for others either. You stand there looking at your friend, the person that has been there for you all along, the person that helped you, the one that loves you just as much as you do or even more. The one that keeps every secret you have. You stand there, so numb, listening to a song that is completely killing you inside. Feels more like somebody is cutting your heart out and at the same time takes your voice, you can’t scream, just feel the emptiness and pain tearing you apart. And then you look the person in the eyes, your best friend, she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you. You hug. And that’s when it hits you. It hits you that you can’t stop the tears now, that she deserves it like noone else right now, that she is the one that is hurting, because she gets torn away from all of you, the people she loves just as much as her family. That’s when the world starts spinning, you feel the ground crumbling and your mind slipping away to the most empty place on earth until you say goodbye, until she sits in the car and closes the door behind her, until you see her hand waving goodbye. This is the moment you just fall down, no matter where you are, you sit and cry until there’s really no more water left, until you are even emptier then before. You turn once to see her cry. And then once more to see the spot she was on a second ago empty. Now you think about it every second, about how fast it went, how hard it will be, harder then now. You’ll be crying every night thinking about her leave. Until it has hit you completely and let you heal. But you will still cry every now and then, watching those slideshows she gave you with all the pictures of you and her, and the rest of your friends. With your favorite sad music on. And that’s when you’ll find the dusty yearbook, look at the pictures of her and call, finally realising that now you have the opportunity to meet. You’ll see eachother, crying from happiness and you know that letting her go will be easier this time, because from then on you will see her any time you want as long as you can.
