TV Is The New Religion I lost faith in horoscopes after realising that 500 million people were due to have the same day as me. Now I watch tv ads instead which I find to be much more accurate. Today I pawned my gold, took a pay day loan and blew the lot gambling online. Cheers ITV2, you got it spot on.

Another Bus Story I finish work, catch the bus, the same bus I always catch but today heading in the other direction. I'de struck up a conversation with a kid from work whilst waiting. His name escaped me but his irritating conversation didn't. He was totally 2 dimensional, my dry sarcasm seemed to confuse him, which was useful and entertaining. At risk of appearing ignorant I pulled a book from my bag, opened it at the shit out of luck scratch card I was using to record my progress & began reading. His babble persisted, so did my reading. I gestured him on to the bus in front of me, he thanked me not realising that whilst I flashed my pass to the driver I was getting a visual on the furthest empty seat from the one he'd already sat on.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes I lubricated my passionate side with the best part of a joint that lay in situe Atop a can of stale beer next to my bed. It had been rolled as part of an elaborate scheme to quench my labido and sing me a lullaby the night before, it had clearly worked, it couldn't have seen a set of lips more than twice. As the heavy smoke filled my mouth, my chest grew to sink it......a pause, silence. I exhale. The lullaby broke out in to a symphony, lively, vibrant. The sun wasn't shining that morning but my demeanour was sunny enough to put a content grin on my face. Having risen early i'd been sat waiting to leave for 20 minutes, as the time for departure arrived I succumbed to the need to perform a full house strip search for my keys. PANIC, a chaotic rampage from room to room, nook to cranny. Pants-pocket-keys-stairs-door-run........run The driver twists his wrist and with a look of demented confusion remembers to add 15 minutes to compensate for the fact he can't fathom the four button controls of his cheap digital watch. He pulls the lever, The double doors crank in to action, squealing and grinding until they meet. The bus pulls away from curb and shrinks in to the distance. Slightly panting from the run and faint from the lullaby, I smile to myself, I'de made the bus, still wearing my slippers.