Once Upon A Time In The Western Zone The jeep rollicked across the sand, spitting clouds into the early sun. The dawn burned like toxic waste across the horizon. The tires froze and the jeep lurched to a stop in the burning valley. Out popped a troop of soldiers who quickly went to work, spreading out into the wreckage. Guns drawn, eyes darting. "Austen, Kale," Captain Wolfe said. "Take the ship." The sniper and engineer sprinted toward the flames. Jas, the heavy gunner, flanked the site. She found two bodies propped up by boulders. A woman in a correctional officer uniform and a young man with crumbled glasses. "Got some bodies!" Jas called. Captain Wolfe nodded to Jules, who picked up her kit and sped to the rocks. Austen gave Kale a boost up into the smoldering remains of the ship. Austen called up shortly after, "How's it look?" Kale popped back out of the hatch, coughing up a lung. She dropped down and landed on the ground. "A whole lot of nothing. Console's trashed, reactor's buggy. Call Harry and tell him to get his scrap team out here ASAP." "Any pulses?" Austen said. "The frame's the only thing that really held up," Kale said. "And even that's melted to hell." "Copy," Austen said. "Let's report." The ladies trotted back to Captain Wolfe, who was standing with Jas near the two survivors. Jules fluttered over them nervously. "Status?" Wolfe said. "He's fine," Jules said, pointing to the young man. "He'll have a headache, but..." "And her?" Wolfe said. "She's comatose. My guess is internal bleeding." "Alright," Wolfe said. "Jas, help Jules get them in the back of the sidewinder." Austen and Kale approached the Captain. "Report." "No pulses," Austen said. "And nothing else worth saving." "Any ideas how this happened?" Wolfe asked Kale. "Well," Kale said. "I'd rule out foul play. No structural damage suggesting an attack. It appears to be electrical, but no way of knowing what caused it since the motherboard's liquid." "Got it," Wolfe said. "Alright, bitches. Let's get these folks back to town and let Harry bat clean-up." "Aye, sir," the soldiers said. They all climbed into the sidewinder. Wolfe got into the passenger seat and slammed the door, knocking some dust off their platoon logo on the side: a skull smeared in lipstick, smoking a cigarette. The elaborate script underlining it said, "Inglorious Bitches." The sidewinder snarled in the sand and sped toward Atlas Rock.

Eugene Bohr Eugene closed the book and yawned. He stared at the cover. A man floating through space, giving birth to a tentacled child through a slit in his forehead. The title was "Third EyeDeas." He laughed a little and shoved the book into his backpack. The speakers in the ship's cabin crackled on: "This is your Captain speaking. We're now entering the Sol system. Within the hour, we'll be passing Terra, land of the old ones. Our scheduled arrival time to Minos Juvenille Detention Center is 1147. Thank you." The ship was only half full, so Eugene had almost an entire row to himself, except for his P.O., who took the window seat. Eugene made sure she was asleep before popping in his headphones and drifting off himself. The sirens of Centauri beamed into his ears and he closed his eyes. Meanwhile, a kangaroo rat bounced along the sandy plains of West Terra. It bobbed and weaved around the brush and rocks. With its arms drawn up tight against its chest and its eyes tittering this way and that, it looked like it was stealing its ridiculous body across the arid terrain. The kangaroo rat, let's call him "Kevin," climbed a hill. On his way up, he passed fossilized boots and rusted signs that had been blown from the outposts during one of Terra's famous radiation storms. When Kevin reached the top, he saw a beautiful valley, initially carved by a mighty river, that acted as the current home for a pathetic muddy stream. Kevin searched the ground for dried berries or nuts or whatever it is that kangaroo rats eat until he noticed that the ground was shaking. He quickly dove for cover, knowing the rumble meant human vehicles. He lost his mother and father in a tragic DuneDuster accident. But he soon raised his stupid, beady little eyes to the heavens and saw clouds parting. And through them a glow appeared and soon a spacecraft hurtled toward the ground. It crashed on the valley floor and Kevin, being the Good Samaritan, hopped down to see if his help was needed. The area stank of fuel and smoke. Kevin stared at the wreckage curiously for several minutes. Suddenly, the emergency hatch shot off and landed on some rocks near the stream. A woman fell from the opening and landed, limp, on the ground below. Shortly after, a young man fell too, punctuating his fall with an emphatic "crammit!" It was Eugene, he dragged his P.O. away from the ship. He propped himself up against a boulder and proceeded to faint. The ship burst into flames. Kevin scurried away. The smoke snaked into the sky, signaling to the nearest outpost, Atlas Rock, that something was up.

The Big Bang The observation deck looked like Christmas. The screens flickered blankets over Dale and Brock, who lounged in their rolling chairs, eating chicken wings, drinking beer. Dale tossed Brock an unNatural Lite and cracked one open for himself. He raised his can and said, "To another night in the dungeon." "Here, here!" Brock said. They chugged their drinks, this method being the most effective way of raising their BACs while avoiding the awful taste at the same time. A win-win. Their toast was ended with the chirp of the Progenitor. "That time again," Dale said. "Yup," Brock said. "You going to change your bet?" "Never," Dale said. "If I switched sides now, I might jinx the whole thing." "Your bet affects the machine in no way at all," Brock said. "We're babysitters. It would behave the same if we weren't here." "I know," Dale said. "But I'd be really embarrassed if, the first time I switch, the thing melts down and triggers a second Big Bang. Talk about egg on my face." "You should be more worried about when I come to collect," Brock said. "I dare you to bust my knee caps," Dale said. "I dare you." The outer screens changed from white to green. The program made concentric circles around the main monitor, checking off on each parameter, until only the inner circle remained. "I hate this part," Brock said. "It's a Wednesday, crammit," Dale said. "Nothing's gonna happen. Nothing ever happens." The inner circle flickered, showing green on all but one screen: the main monitor. "And," Dale said. "Chug!" They guzzled their beers as the review finalized. The Progenitor chirped again. The two men burped. "Ah," Dale said. "See? Still breathing. All thanks to me." Brock's mouth rested on his keyboard even though his body remained upright. The main monitor showed a single dialog box. Brock pointed to it. Dale leaned in and read it: "Containment failed." Dale gulped. Brock turned around, confronting the thick window stretching the length of the observation deck. At the center of the Progenitor's massive core, a light grew. Exponentially. Dale stumbled to the other side of the room. He flipped open the alarm and jabbed his key into the wall. The sirens lit up. "What do we do now?" Brock said. His mouth now watering the keyboard. "Catch," Dale said, tossing a beer at Brock. " To the last night in the dungeon." The light grew. And, as the alcohol in their bloodstream passed the legal limit, the men evaporated into raw creation. Along with everything else. The end