Doctor, doctor! My brother thinks he's a horse! The surgery will cost a lot of money That's no problem, he's just won the grand national

TV advert: Wash it with Vabreeze! Man: Ok! *Man gets the peas and washes table* Man: Boy, do ads lie.

Ed Sheeran: My guitar broke Man: Then go build a Lego House

Steven said to his best friend, Bob, to mind his house and his pets while he was gone on holiday. Steven went on Holiday to Spain happily. Two days later Steven rang to check up on everything then Bob said, "Your dog fell off the roof and died" then Steven said, "What the hell? Couldn't you have mouthed it off easier like say it fell off and it's in hospital then later say its passed away?" Steven hung up and then Bob called again 2 days later saying "Your cat was playing on the roof..."

A man was walking down the street, he had a white t-shirt with a jacket over it and jeans with black shoes. The man was saying, "I can't afford anything my money's gone, I'm fired from my job". Then a man with a white tuxedo and a white top hat is running down the street away from a robber with a gun. The robber shot a car passing by, the car screeched and crashed into the man with the tuxedo and knocked him to the floor. Then the man with the jacket sneaked over to the robber and knocked him out. The man with the tuxedo said, " You saved my #life! Have a reward" then he took out a bag with a £1,000,000,000 in it. The man with the jacket took the money and said, "Thanks". He bought a mansion and an iPad and on his iPad he download an app called Opuss and wrote a story. It starts like this, "A man was walking down the street...."