Alone With His Demons Before I say anything, I give you a warning. I'm ADD. And this is kind of like my diary. A place where I can say what's inside. My thoughts. Unfiltered. Unchanged. Unmedicated. If you get lost, don't say I didn't warn you. My name is Shelby. I'm 17 years old and I'm a Christian. I tell you that last part so you know why I say what I say in these pages. This fact about me shapes what I say, what I do, and how I act. Bearing that in mind, the following paragraphs are my story. These are my deepest thoughts. My inner struggle during someone else's struggle. My burden of watching someone I love walk down a path of destruction. Because even though it's his battle, I feel it too. And right now, I'm alone with his demons. ~ I called my best friend last night and we prayed about it. She's close to him too. We cried until midnight, then I wished her a happy birthday. Some present. If he knew how much it hurt her, How much it hurt all of us, Would he still have done it? Probably. That's the problem when people make decisions out of selfishness. He doesn't realize that his decisions aren't just affecting him. They're affecting the people around him too. We all love him. And that's why this hurts. So when I found out he was giving God, his family, and his friends the middle finger, something inside me snapped. Shattered beyond repair. "How are you doing?" That's a good question. But most people don't want the real answer anyway. It's just a common curtesy you voice before you are allowed to say what's really on your mind. Sometimes I hear, "Hi! How are you? Did you hear that Jane is dating John? They are so not right for each other!" Not even a pause. Asking that question is a formality, an empty gesture. So I give an empty answer. "I'm fine." Here's the honest answer. I'm being murdered. No seriously. When I see one of my friends going through something, I have to help. There's no question about it. I can't bear to see them upset or in pain or whatever. I can't sit there idly. I have to act. My motherly instincts kick in. And I've been through this before with a friend. One of my really close friends is fighting a battle with his sexuality. And I know this is different. I get it. But I thought the emotions I would feel towards it would be the same. I thought I could handle it this time. No biggie, I've been through this before, I can do it again. Different scenario, same approach. But it's so much harder. I could connect with Matt. Maybe that's because I could understand his emotions better because of his situation. But with Thomas, I feel so helpless. Matt was hurt, and I could empathize. He felt rejected and unloved. I knew what he was going through. But Thomas is filled with rage. And that's something I can't really understand. I've never had a problem with anger. And so I'm sitting here filled with an urge to help him and absolutely nothing to do. And it's killing me... Until now, I always thought that when someone said their heart was burdened for someone, it was simply a metaphor. They feel a strong connection to that person, sure, but their heart is not literally burdened. Now I know I was wrong. Thinking about my dear friend lost, confused, angry with the world.... I feel like there are literally rocks in my chest, weighing me down with the thought of him. But I don't wish it gone. That heaviness is a constant reminder to be in prayer. To pray without ceasing. I've even failed to have my own usual issues with sin that have plagued me so much, because I haven't had time to think about myself. I'm not going to say that's a good thing, because it isn't. It's like being hit by a hurricane after 6 months of drought. At least there's rain.
