The list I It was Thursday. I was standing in front of the big window in my living room watching the rain. I was looking at my garden for at least fifteen minutes. I paid a fortune for a team of high-qualified gardeners to make my garden look gorgeous. Now it was half-finished, looking half-gorgeous, but somehow I wasn’'t happy. Honestly, I felt empty. I *was* empty. I had no plans. I finished university a year ago and told my parents that I’'m taking some time off before getting a job. They didn'’t care. ‘Do whatever you’'d like to do, sweetheart’, they said. We never had a close relationship. They paid for nannies to look after me and later they sent me in boarding schools, so they could do their own things how and when they wanted to. I actually didn’'t mind. I enjoyed being independent. I grew up in London. My parents moved to Dorset about 4 years ago, but I stayed. My dad bought me an expensive flat in the centre. I was leading a good, happy #life... until this afternoon. I went out last night with my girls and had a good time. I woke up late in the afternoon with a bit of headache. Then it hit me. The emptiness that unexpectedly filled me hit me so hard that I could hardly breathe. I didn’'t know why now and where it came from, but it did and I was scared. Standing by the window, watching the rain I tried to think. What’'s the matter with me? I always lived for today. I didn’'t give a damn about the future, but now I felt that I can’'t do it anymore. I can’'t keep living this way. There was nothing I lived for. I got a pretty bank account for my fourteenth birthday. I had cleaners, gardeners, delivery men. I had people who did everything for me. And suddenly I was fed up. I was bored. I was angry. I wanted to change my #life. I wanted goals. Finally, I stepped away from the window and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Then I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and sat down. I made a list and I was determined to stick to it. But an evil voice said in my head: you’'re not strong enough to make it happen. We’'ll see, I answered. II Next morning the first thing I did was calling the head-gardener. I thanked him all of their hard work and told him they don’'t have to come again. He was confused. Poor chap started worrying they did something wrong, that’'s why I wanted to fire them. I explained him politely that I wasn’'t firing them. I paid for their work in advance and they could keep the money, of course. I also tried to explain that the reason I don’'t need them anymore is that I want to finish my own garden. The man got even more confused. Our conversation didn’'t end well. I got upset and said that it’'s my garden and my decision. My voice was rude and I felt bad after hanging up. I waited some minutes to calm down before calling the cleaners. The lady I talked with seemed as confused as the head-gardener, but she was an easier case. I remained polite, so did she. It was a simple call. She didn’'t ask for reasons. I suggested an amount of money they would get for leaving immediately and she accepted it without a bad word. I was surprised, but happy. I had been hiring an agency who arranged my shopping. They also made sure my bills were paid in time. I cancelled it online. I thought it’'s done, too, but it wasn'’t. The company called me five minutes later. I was on the phone with a really tiring man for half an hour. They didn'’t want to accept the fact that I wanted to manage my tasks on my own. He kept talking and tried to convince me to change my mind. Gosh, he was irritating. I had enough and said that I will pay a certain amount of money if they are willing to leave me alone. We had a contract which didn'’t expire until the end of the year. It was June. I finally had plans and I wanted them to happen in the near future. I didn’'t mind paying. I was used to sort things out like this. The man said he had to discuss it with his boss. He did and called me back only two minutes later and I wasn’'t under contract with them anymore. Money can convince people quite quickly. How disgusting! I ticked the first three things on my list. I felt happy and strong, but deep inside me I knew the hard bit is just coming. III My fridge was empty, so I went shopping on Saturday. I tried to think what I’'ll need and wrote a list. I had never done shopping in a supermarket in my #life. I had never bought food, apart from some meals in restaurants, but I believed that didn’'t really count. At the age of 23 I felt really ashamed. I became nervous when I entered our local Tesco branch. I pushed the trolley slowly. I was holding my list tight in my hand. I had never used my kitchen for cooking. Actually I had never cooked. Not even a single meal. I decided from now I will do it. Can’'t be too complicated, can it? I walked slowly from aisle to aisle looking at the shelves carefully. My shopping list was useless. I figured it out as soon as I saw some milk. I totally missed it from my list. I felt so stupid, so lost. But I made my decision, so I needed to keep going. Probably I bought a lot of things I will never use, but I was proud of myself when I loaded my fridge and cupboards. Now I had a proper kitchen. I ticked another point on my list, and then I went to the nearest bookshop. I spent nearly an hour there. I bought five cookery books and seven gardening books. Smiling I ticked two more things on the list. I made a cup of tea and next I sat down with my books and started reading. The problem was that I was never keen on reading. I had never finished a single book before. Firstly, I looked through the cookery books. I found a tempting picture of a plate of salad. I thought it wouldn'’t be too hard to begin with. Luckily I had all the ingredients I needed. The salad was perfect. It gave me encouragement. I moved on to the gardening books while I was eating. Gosh, they were incredibly boring. I couldn’'t even finish a chapter. I gave up reading which made me cry. After a good hour crying I forced myself to read at least one gardening book properly. And I did. Then I read another book. Surprisingly some chapters caught my whole attention. I spent half Sunday with cooking and baking. I had to throw half of my trials away, but I still could have fed the whole road. Some dish was easy and some was difficult. Some was undercooked and some was overcooked. Two kitchen towels caught fire, but I had to admit I was enjoying it. I spent the other half of the day with planning my garden. By the evening I thought I had a successful day. I hadn’'t felt this way since I finished uni. And I had more things ticked on my list. IV On Monday I got up at eight o’'clock. I hadn't ’got out of bed this early for a year. I had a shower and had breakfast, and then I spent the whole day in the garden. I was trying to finish it. I had the experts’' plan and my plan plus I had all stuff for it in the shed. The only problem was that I wasn’'t prepared. I didn’'t know what I thought how easy or difficult it’'s going to be, but hell, it was so complicated. I wasn’'t a trained gardener. I wasn’'t even a hobby-gardener. Besides, some stuff was so heavy that I could hardly carry. I was dirty and sweaty. I felt horrible. Of course I ended up crying. I needed time to calm down. I kept saying to myself that I AM STRONG, I CAN DO IT. When I started to believe it, I carried on working. There was no way I could finish my garden during one day. The gardeners had been working for a month and it was half-finished, so I said to myself: don’'t worry, you just need a little bit more time. I was standing under the shower until tiredness attacked me. As soon as I lied down in my bed, I fell asleep. V It was hard to get up at eight again, but I did. I had to. I had different plans for Tuesday than working on the garden. I rearranged my living room. I moved all furniture to a different place. The sofa almost got me. It was so stubborn, it didn’'t want to move. Not even a centimetre. Well, I was more stubborn and I won. After that I started cleaning. I didn’'t really know how to start. I thought of common sense, so I dusted my new-looking living room before hovering. Next I cleaned the kitchen. Now that wasn’'t fun at all. I did a big mess at the weekend. I shouldn’'t have left dirty plates, glasses and dishes there. I loaded the dishwasher twice, but there were still a lot of stuff waiting for me to wash them up. No fun at all! I was cleaning the fridge when I heard the doorbell. I froze, surprised. I wasn’'t expecting anyone. Doorbell again. I went to open the door curiously. Hannah, my best friend was waiting for me impatiently to let her in. '‘Are you deaf...’' she started yelling, but as soon as she looked at me, she muted. Her eyes opened wildly. She had never seen me like this. I was wearing a dirty old grey tracksuit (I had no idea how I could find it in my wardrobe) and I had yellow rubber gloves on. '‘What the hell...’' she started yelling again as she made her way in. She stopped in the kitchen. Although I was cleaning for a couple of hours, it still looked messy. '‘What the hell are you doing?’' Hannah kept yelling. '‘Cleaning’' I said. Her face looked confused. She looked as if she couldn’'t understand what I just said. '‘Cleaning?’' she stared at me. I didn’'t like it. '‘Yes’' I nodded confidently. '‘See, you’'ve come and learnt a new word.’' '‘Cleaning’' she repeated again looking around. '‘I called you on Saturday.’' '‘My phone has been switched off.’' I took the rubber gloves off. '‘I’'ve been busy.’' '‘With cleaning’' she looked at me as if I lost my mind. I nodded. '‘Why the hell are you cleaning? Haven’'t you got people to do it?’' She went to the living room and stopped again. She looked more confused. I wished she hand'’t come. I knew she would protest. '‘What the hell happened here?’' Her voice started really annoying me. '‘I reorganized it as you can see.’' I wanted her to leave. '‘You did it?’' she stared at me in a strange way. I had enough. '‘Yes. I said it, didn’'t I? So which of us is deaf now?' My voice was rude, but she didn’'t get it. She shook her head. '‘We are going to a party tonight.’' she said it simply. '‘No’' '‘What?’' '‘I can’'t go. I need to be in bed early. I’'ve got things to do tomorrow.’' I explained. Hannah was shocked. I had never said no to a party before. I took a deep breath and told her everything: how I got fed up, how I took control over my #life and that I made a list about my plans. She sure thought I went insane. '‘Honey’' she started in a voice I hated. '‘Angie, darling’' she stepped right in front of me. 'This is absolutely crazy. You have a great #life what a lot of people just dream of. All you need is a good therapist. Someone to talk to.’' '‘What are friends for?’' I stared into Hannah’'s eyes. I really wanted to avoid it, but I knew sooner or later I have to face this problem. I had my girls. We went to eat out, we went to the cinema, we went shopping and to parties. But honestly, I wasn’'t happy. I didn’'t think I had real friends. The pain attacked me and I had to step away from Hannah. We always said we were best friends, but I didn’'t believe it anymore. '‘You should leave.’' I told Hannah calmly. '‘What?’' '‘I made my decision, Hannah. Please leave.’' '‘You’'re crazy. Call me when you got your mind back.’' Then she left. I felt empty, even more than before. I struggled with my tears, but I went back to work and finished cleaning my kitchen. VI The next two days were busy. I cleaned every single room and place in the house. I wanted to give up many times, but I kept working. I knew I had to. I knew it’'s not going to be easy for me. I had been spoilt and selfish in all my #life and I hated myself for that. I wanted to change. I really did. I became stronger with every tear, and broken and dirty nails. I needed to be strict to myself. For example, I wasn’'t allowed to buy ready meals. I had to cook every day. The next thing on my list was taking up a sport. I was never keen on sports. Although I bought a season ticket in a gym, I hardly went there. Maybe once a month. But I did it, because it was cool and my friends did the same. I decided that I will start running, so next morning I got up at seven and did an hour running in the near park. Gosh, I could hardly breathe by the end. I was exhausted. After a shower and breakfast I worked on my garden. I was worn out by the evening. The whole weekend was the same. I got up early in the morning (struggling so bad to get out of bed) and went running for an hour. After that I worked in the garden and cooked. I was in pain, mentally and physically. I did hate running, I did hate gardening and I started to hate cooking, but I didn’'t stop. VII A new week and new challenges came. On Monday morning I went running for an hour. On the way back home I bought some newspapers. I wanted to find a job. I wasn’'t looking for a dream job (I had no idea what I’'d love to do, anyway), I just wanted to work. I know it sounds weird, but it’'s true. This is what people do. They work. I wrote my CV and a cover letter, and then I registered on a few job sites. I also looked through the newspapers. I was trying to figure out what I would be able to do. But it was hard. It was so hard to start something with my #life. I managed to send several applications. I applied for jobs such as waitress, shop assistant and receptionist. I had hopes. On Tuesday after my hour-running I checked my emails. I didn’'t get any, not even some confirmation about my job applications. I was disappointed. I knew I wouldn’'t get a job straight away, but I was hoping that at least my CVs would be confirmed or I would be told if the vacancies weren’'t available any more or something. I did a bit of work on my garden before checking my email again. I still didn'’t get any. I needed to get out of the house, so I went for a long walk. It helped a bit, but I still felt low. On my way back home, I was passing a shop, when suddenly something caught my eyes. There was a big colourful paper stuck on the shop window. It said they were looking for volunteers. I looked at the shop carefully. It was a second-hand charity bookshop. I didn’'t even think, I just went in, filled in an application and was agreed that I could start on Wednesday. Everything seemed much better, when I left the shop. Ok, I knew it wasn’'t a proper, paid job, but I was extremely happy. While I was cooking my dinner I thought through it. I wanted to find some work and I did. I believed volunteer work counts. I didn’'t really need money, but I needed time to figure out what I should do with my #life. I thought it’'s going to be good. It is charity and I was proud of helping. I had been selfish and now I was happy. Doing volunteer work is selflessness. I had to work on that: doing something without getting any benefits. Yes, it’'s going to be fine. I’'m going to be fine. VIII Tuesday was a usual day with running, working in the garden and cooking. Finally, my garden started to look good. It wasn’'t finished, but it didn’'t look hopeless, either. On Wednesday I woke up feeling excited. I got up at six, so I could go running, then had a shower and breakfast, and I even had time to pack some lunch. I didn’'t know what I should wear, but in the end I thought I looked smart enough in a nice skirt and a shirt. I got to the shop just before nine o’'clock. The shop leader told me about their aims and how things work in the shop. I spent eight hours working there. I sorted and priced books, and I also had a chance to be behind the till. That was a bit tricky, but after a few times I got used to it. I did really enjoy my first day and I couldn’'t wait to come next time. I discussed with Candice, the shop leader that I would come three times a week, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. She seemed happy and I was happy, too. My attitude stayed positive for the rest of the week. I worked in my garden, I cooked nicer and nicer food, I went running and I was in the bookshop. I worked hard, I spent more time at the till, and I was helpful and chatty with our customers. Candice was pleased with me. Hannah texted me on Saturday evening saying if I got my old mind back, there’'s a party she was going to with the girls. I didn’'t bother to answer, I just grabbed my dinner, sat down in the living room and put on a film. IX Two months passed and my #life got better or at least I felt much more comfortable with it. I managed to finish my garden. Half of it looked professional and beautiful, and the other half was a bit lack of professionalism, but I found it really nice. And I was so proud of myself. I kept going for a run every morning and I worked in the charity shop three days a week. I absolutely lost touch with Hannah and the other girls, but I didn’'t feel lonely. Two weeks after I started in the charity shop a new volunteer joined our team. Carrie was the same age as me. She was friendly and nice. The old me wouldn'’t have noticed her. She was just an average girl, but I’'d changed. We organised programmes together. We went to the cinema and cafes, and we did shopping. We got to know each other pretty well and we became friends. X Carrie helped me a lot to become the person who I am now. I knew I hadn’'t had real, good friends and I was afraid of ending up being on my own. I guess I was lucky to meet her. I was so scared about the last two points of my list: finding real friends and figuring out what to do in the future. I think it’'s the best if you don’'t force anything. If you do and things don’'t turn out the way you wanted, you will feel bad and angry. But it’'s not good either to just sit and wait for the miracle. I did do things. I decided to change and I did a lot for it. Working in a charity shop was a good idea. Helping others for free helped me, too and I met a lot of nice people there. And in the end I could figure out what I wanted to do. It was a sudden realization. I had known for Carrie for five months then, when we went to help her sister, Ava who was moving to a new flat. The new place was absolutely empty and so white, it hurt my eyes. I didn’'t even think, I just said I could help Ava to decorate the flat a bit. She got so excited about my offer, so soon I started it. I always asked her opinion about my ideas and she loved all of them. It took two months to finish the flat, but everyone liked it. We were celebrating her flat, when Ava said I should do it for living. It stuck in my mind and next morning I searched for possibilities to study indoor decoration. One week later I found myself writing my application for university. And now here I am standing in front of this big and scary building. I know it’'s going to be hard and I know sometimes I won’'t be as sure about it as I am now, but in real #life nothing is easy. You have to fight for everything. Find things that make you happy and go for them. I’'m ready. Are you?