Roller coaster waves of the emotional degree. This ride is a strange one I'm sure, for I am buckled in so tight, I couldn't budge an inch if I tried. There are many ups, some downs and an obscene amount of twists, turns and loop-de-loops. I scream and scream for I do not like this ride, but no one can hear me so no one can help either. The wierdest part? For most of this fairground horror coaster ride there is fog. Lots of fog. It makes a surreal viewing, nothing around me seems quite real, almost like being wrapped in wisps of cotton wool, numb to touch, floaty light and disconnected moments. What could this be I wonder? It happens such a lot! It isn't pleasant, nor is it possible to rectify, and so therefore I am glad that 50% of the time I seem to forget what has just occurred. I can't even tell you how the ride has been today, for most of it I cannot for love nor money remember. This scares me I must say, for I must be on the ride for a reason, a purpose, and to blank the experience out so often feels uncomfortable, and one huge secret to keep. I tell no one for fear of the repercussions. The ride you see,is me and my #life, my daily and past existence, and my future also. I dissociate or space out a lot, I feel numb, disconnected, and almost robotic in my daily actions. I am traumatised seemingly, and if I am honest, yes, I am. I have had more than my fair share of abuse, neglect and attacks. I see a therapist every week, who encourages me slowly, gently, to let myself come out, to share my pain honestly, to deal with what's happened to me and to start feeling again. I numb off all bad and negative emotions you see, I can tell you abuse that has been inflicted on me just like I was telling you what I had for dinner today. Very factually, matter of fact, no emotion to my voice. This I hear is not appropriate, and I must learn to feel emotions again, and to stop disconnecting all the while. She doesn't know I "lose time" for I would be so embarrassed. I wouldn't know what she would say, or indeed what it all means. I feel very alone, on my roller coaster waves of the emotional degree.