What Do You See, Obesity What do you see when you look at me? Do you see a fat slob who's counting the hours to her tea A fat slob who has to use crutches to walk Who you cant wait till my back is turned so you can talk Do you see my legs buckle under the strain Omg you whisper, look at the weight she has gained Do you see the waterfall of sweat pouring down my head You snicker bet she cant wait to be fed Look harder and you may realise There is a thin girl inside of me who quietly cries Doesn't anyone remember me before? Before lupus, fibro, CPRS and more I was a size 14 and at 6 foot tall I was not a stick insect but perfectly formed I had lost 120lbs in a year you see Did not want to die of morbid obesity 8 years and so many illnesses later I'm starting to look less sexy and more Mr Potato Now I'm bedridden and just getting fatter And the fat is all anyone sees so that's the end of the mstter February last I was in university When I collapsed, my legs giving out from under me I found that overnight I had lost the ability To stand upright for too long so losing my mobility The pain in my hip, back and side Keeps me awake at night as I cry Because I'm not the only one suffering here My darling teenage autistic sons have the responsibility of my care I have not cooked for them in so long No housework gets done, it's so wrong I'm their mother and I am just a burden I want to care for them, it's my job I'm their mum!!! My house is a shambles, cess pit I would say The smell is disgusting even the mice run away People have tried to help but I didnt even get to see The tidying that was done while I was in hospital poorly Noone seems to understand snd sometimes that includes me That trying to follow simple instructions for my sons is scary They just cannot handle lots of tasks So it's either caring for me or washing that glass Why can't the doctors open their mind and see That I do not want a #life ruled by morbid obesity I did not work so hard to lose 8.5stone Just to put it back on while being a piggy at home I also would not jeopardise university You know I call that place my sanctuary I need to be able to get better and lose weight So I can restart my studies in January after such a long wait Please please doctors can't you see This pain I have is very real I'm NOT crazy I do not have munchausens or hypochondria that I know you think I have With your condescending attitudes i have had to hack I have fought so hard to stay positive throughout this strife I think I must have been Stalin in a previous #life But this has zapped everything out of me So gone happiness, hello miss negativity I have never come as close to suicide as I did today I counted out my oxynorm into my hand because of something my son did say My #life is going to be shit cause I have to look after you And because of autism I wont be able to handle a job too My pain disappeared for a second or two And transferred into my heart, breaking it into two I know he was not being mean or cruel Just telling, his way, the truth; in our house - the number one rule Doctors are you really too blind to see? That I would not choose this #life purposely I want to stop this pain so I can lose weight Please please believe me and help me before it's too late !! Hi everyone Just venting some feelings as usual. Been bedridden since Feb and getting fatter and fatter because I am not mobile and because my sons are cooking and it's basically junk food because it's the easiest for them. Today when my 19'year old autistic son told me that he was crying last night because hes gonna have a shit #life cause his morals tell him he had to look after me. It broke my heart. My son has lost all his dreams because of me and my stupid broken body. And unforgiveably and shamefully put 20+ oxynorm in my hand and went to take them while breaking my heart crying but my son stopped me. I told him to let go and let me make his #life better for him but as you can he stopped me. But everything is still overwhelming me so I wrote this. Thank you for reading and whils constructive critisim regarding my #poem is always welcome but nasty comments regarding thd subject is not. As usual I am not a poet. Just a lost girl who turned to poetry when my mum suddenly passed away. Thank you again. ©originalkitten2015