1905-07-05 0000 A brief reflection of the year: adjectively hard, and sad, the type of sad that has no particular reason, no starting point, and not much of a stopping point. A sad that sat deep in the bones, that made me ache and become old. A sad that could not be measured in tears or of frowns, but one of hopelessness- despair. There were lots of changes, as with most years, but these were different, for these changes were internal rather than external- whether or not they were stemmed externally I can not say- all I know is that I have changed. For good or bad I can not tell, but I know that I am now infinitely altered. I struggled with this, I struggled to hold on to I wanted to be, and what I wanted from myself- but I had to accept that part of me was dead at most, for I am not sure if it ever really existed. I felt useless and like I was a let down, I fell into a dark place. One where the sadness previously described swallowed me whole. One where my will to live turned to ashes, and drifted into the Dead Sea, and my fake smile even faded to gray. People had see me in a different light, that is what I regret the most, that their viewed or me as strong may have had to change. I felt weak, and stupid. My brain was cloudy, and I couldn’t think straight, but I couldn’t stop thinking. I felt sick, but there was nothing that could be seen in an examination, it was in my brain, and in my soul. That is what scared me the most- there was something wrong with me, not my body but me. It was a dark time. That is not to say that it is not still dark, but at least now I can see a light, peaking through, I can’t tell what the light is, but I see it. And I know now, my goal in all of #life it to find the light, and surround myself in it, to not worry of anything else- the light will guide, the light can see better than I. It knows more than me.