Would you like some honesty ? I feel like a fair amount of drunk honesty would do our relationship some good.
 1. ” you can’t treat me like this. I am not your little bitch. Respect me. ” BULLSHIT. I have no dignity when I stand in front of you. No pride, no backbone. God dammit, even when I get offended by something you say or do, I can’t stay angry or sulk for long. One look at your face, or one word you say is enough for me to take you back with no punishments, without even waiting for an apology, no matter how much you wound, cut, bruise me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive you for. Being treated like a less than nothing, suffering all kinds of injuries and insults. Fuck it. I don’t even think a moment before I forgive you. Even better, when you hurt me, and I say or do something that might hurt you in the heat of the moment, I don’t only forgive you for what you did, but I also apologise for having answered. I’m literally a martyr. I’ve turned myself into some forgiving Mother Priestess, the problem is that I’m black and bruised and I should retaliate, I know it, but I can’t find it in myself to hurt you. I am very capable of it, but if I scratch you I cut myself open, if I hurt you I agonise. 2. “the physical part is too hard for me to handle. I’d rather leave that part out of our relationship, I am glad we agree on that point too.” BULLSHIT. If you had had a condom with you on new year’s eve, I would have said yes, I would have kept you in bed until 2013, I would have left all those scratches and bite marks on your skin to feel as if I had claimed you as mine. Fuck morality and what’s supposed to be said and done, fuck the way your ‘first time’ is supposed to be magical and special. Like I give a shit about all that. I want you. I would kill to be your clothes, cling to your body and have your smell linger on me. I am burning for you. There hasn’t been a moment in the last weeks that I haven’t thought of ripping your clothes. Goddamit I would have you on top of me all the time of I could, I would handcuff you to a bedpost and keep you my prisoner for days and nights. I wish you would take me so hard against a wall that I would get a fucking brain concussion. I’m literally seeing red. It was like this before new year’s eve, and now it’s worse because you have given me material to fantasise on. In the middle of a song, or when I am doing the most random of things, I get these flashes of what it was like, tasting you, lying next to you, pulling your hair, hearing you moan or your breath hitch and I can’t even breathe without growling. You are my goosebumps, you are the shiver that runs down my spine, you are my accelerated pulse. And I vow it to the gods if they exist and to the earth and skies if they don’t that I will have you before I put you in the grave. 3. “I am glad to hear that you still have a hope with her. Your loving her doesn’t hurt me. I feel no hate towards her, and towards you either, it’s just how things worked out, and I am accepting it” UTTER BULLSHIT. She is my friend and I appreciate her, but I can’t look at her without thinking of the happiness I would have if she hadn’t existed. If you and her had dated when she first came, if she wasn’t so similar, yet so different from me. There’s not a moment where I don’t think of how things could have worked out differently if I hadn’t been such an unlucky bastard. I love her for being my friend and my confident and someone I can a have a old laugh with, but I also loathe her guts for existing. She has stolen my heaven and I will never ever forgive her for that, even though I know it isn’t her fault. I should loathe you, but skies be damned, I am incapable of that. I love you, it terrifies me how much I would be ready to give up to have you, but I love you. You put your arms around me and I’m home. I never felt like that anywhere else. No matter how much you hurt me, your existence eases my breathing, and I celebrate every breath you take. You are the only heaven I want. If I was happily married and our paths had crossed, I would have disgraced my name, I would have hurt and abandoned all my loved ones to run after you. It hurts like shit, but it’s all I want. I feel like I’m not living, I feel like I’m just killing time until the day you’ll take my hand. And I don’t care about the misery and the cries. I will pretend every man I’ll be with is you, I will love them comparing to you, and adore all the things about them that resemble you. “No one’s gonna love you”. Great song, an dhow ironic it is that I sing it to you, while you listen to it thinking of another one. How painful and funny.