Do You Feel This Too
When you miss someone, there is always some kind of constant reminder of that one person. It could be an object, or even a action or a smell. You see mini flashbacks, or sad ghosts in the place you once were with him in the past. Days are full of disappointment and bleakness. Everything becomes routine, you know how you'll feel in the morning, and you'll know how you feel in the evening. Friends and family are no good in helping, girly nights out make it worse even. How could they know what I feel. Nothing changes. When you love someone so much, they aren't just in your #life, they are your #life. Before you can do things for yourself, it has to be ok with them first. Before you can be nice to yourself, the one you love must be safe, protected. You say you will do anything for friends and family, but how many of us would stand by them with our lives? Not as many as you think. But you would give up your entire #life soul and energy for them, if the person you loved asked you to. You'd do it even if they didn't ask because it's instinct to cater to them first. You would become they're protector, the smallest of things you will do for them. It's impulsive.
When you can feel your relationship becoming weaker, an weaker, but your love is growing by the second, huge amounts. It's heart breaking. You fool yourself, of course love is enough. But is it? You want him to love you the way he did at the beginning of your amazingly perfect relationship. He showed you off and treated you like a princess. Now your just the bit on the side waiting to be thrown off or replaced. There's too much history to be treated like that though, so you silently suffer the slow, painful, anxious breakup. Wondering what day it will be. The worst thing, he denies it when you ask him if he's leaving you. But when you come into realisation on the fact that you won't see the one you love again, your heart drops. Especially if it's because he's found a better girl. The world suddenly doesn't matter, and you freak out, screaming and crying, not giving a fuck who hears. All you want is them to hold you one more time and tell you they love you. Soon enough the feelings of rejection and loneliness will overpower you into doing things you wouldn't usually do. Drugs, alcohol. At the time they'll fill the gaping hole in your heart, it makes it worse. Does everyone cry for hours, does everyone feel depressed at every moment of the day, even if they're smiling. Does everyone cross the line of insanity where your capable of ending your own #life, but the only energy left in your body stops you. Your only a girl from a small town called Seaford, why would anyone believe you have a mental illness. The illness drives yoh insane, you wonder if it's the reason why he left you. Because you were so paranoid and clingy to him. You have to know things, hear him say he loves you and won't leave you before you can be content with yourself. Your content for about 2 minutes. If he doesn't text back, yoh worry. The worrying gets extreme, so bad that your shaking and crying, majorly panicking and hyperventilating. It's so impulsive you can't stop.
Before bed, you'll close your eyes. You feel so vulnerable because of the silence. The voices are free to control your mind now and tell you that there's no point in you living, that you've messed up and there's no hope. Your scared you'll dream about him again, knowing you'll wake up crying, unable to loose the feeling of dreams compared to reality, scared he won't be there when you wake up. He's never there anymore. Only in your dreams.
But most of all, the good memories become fantasies. His presence alone is powerful, and so magical. You'll start to dream about the person you love, little picture windows of the good times, and smiles and laughs you once fell in love with. You can even hear his voice, and feel his touch. But then all of a sudden, you'll wake up and realise its too good to be true. It's all a fucking dream. Things and people have changed. You havnt spoken in so long that you can't find him again. Eventually your civil and get a chance to talk. Your trying so hard holding on to the last little bit of that person that's left, so fucking desperately hoping that things can go back to how they once were. But it's too late, because he's gone, and all your doing is feeding your need for him, off a dream made out of memories.
