Through My Eyes My eyes are far from being perfect. I guess that's fitting due to the fact that I am always going on about how I am one of the most imperfect people you will ever meet. But that doesn't mean I am a lost cause or defective in some way. Simply I am a human being who has made mistakes and through time I have made a beautiful recovery. At least that is how I like to look at things. The reason why I consider my eyes to be imperfect is due to the mere fact that I can barely see out of them. I am very close to being considered legally blind. Thanks to the bright invention of glasses I can actually see. Without my glasses I literally can't see anything. Everyone looks like a mushed up blur and I feel hopelessly lost and confused. I honestly hate having my glasses off. Personally I like being able to see things clearly. I know I should be grateful to the fact that I can even see out of my eyes and that I am not actually blind. Yes I am grateful that my world isn't black. Being able to see physically does not necessarily mean that I can emotionally see what is going on. Physical sight is only half the battle of being able to see what is really going on around you. For example I can see the the acne spread out across my face but I'm unable to see how a person is damaging me. Even after being burned by the fire several times I continue to ignore what has been seen. One thing to keep in mind is that what has been seen cannot be unseen. I can deny it all I want but the images in my mind will forever cycle through. I have so much love and kindness in my heart but with that comes a price to pay. Taking the easy way out will never change anything. Taking the road less traveled by is what will transition me into who I am meant to be. I want to fight for something I have worked so hard for, but how am I supposed to be a better person if I cannot see the pain it has caused me. I hate conflict and I hate fighting with my internal self. But the truth is laid out right in front of me and I have been refusing to take a glance at it. Walking away from a friend I care about so much is not an option for me, but it is what I need to do. But I simply will not and I can not do it. I know I am stronger than this. I just don't know if I can do this again. I don't want to be alone anymore. But feeling alone is just as bad if not worse than actually being alone. I want to reach out to my friends but I am absolutely terrified. This time I thought I had broken free at last. I cannot let Satan mess with my emotions and have me believe something I know is a false reality. But deep down I want it to be real. I want this person to be the trusting friend I have believed in. I want this person to be good for me but they are not, and this kills me. The laughing and smiling out ways the screaming and crying. I hold on to the best days of our lives and I slowly drown myself. I believe in a person who once hurt me, I believe in a person who shattered my heart into a million pieces, I believe in a person who made me feel worthless. I want all of this to go away but it won't ever leave my sight. Through my tired eyes I see a girl who is hanging on for her #life and she's getting sicker by the minute. Running away is the obvious solution. But it is a million times easier to just stay. Fighting with myself and not knowing what I need to do. Crying myself to sleep over the fact that I didn't do what needed to be done. I should have done it years back but I was afraid and I did not want to lose someone who I thought of as my best friend. even after talking about it all and wanting to move forward and not cut ties has got me thinking. Am I really making the right choice for myself? Am I taking the easy way out? Am I holding myself back from being something incredible? I do not have the exact answers to these questions that go in and out of my scattered mind. It goes with the whole line "I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you." I just care so damn much and it's eating me alive. If I love myself as much as I say I do then why can't I leave someone who causes me nothing but pain? It is extremely difficult when the person who hurts you is also the person who is your clarity. This person has listened to my struggles, laughed with me, cried with me, and has accepted me with welcoming arms. It is hard to believe that the same person essentially drove me to my insanity. I guess this scenario in my #life goes with the song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. It hurts so much to leave and I do not want to leave but for my sake I need to move on with my #life. Even though I am a big girl I still am going to cry a lot. I will literally miss this person like a child misses their blanket. But I need to pull myself together, pack my bags, and run for my #life. I cannot regret or look back. Regretting will only make my #life miserable, and staying won't make my #life any better. I am a strong young girl. I am no good at saying goodbye to people I really care about. Ending it all ends the funny late night calls, the ridiculous snapchats, and the face time calls playing horror games. Also don't forget about the would you rather and hey listen to this song texts. Or morning bitch. Weird things to admit but I will miss every single laugh and moment of excitement. This person has blessed my #life in so many amazing ways, but they have also taught me valuable #life lessons that cannot be forgotten. As I sit here writing this tears fill my eyes. But as it was said yesterday afternoon I'm better at writing than I am at talking. My heart is aching with this realization but it needs to taken accounted for. This will be the bravest thing I have ever done. But it will also be considered the most difficult. Growing up is doing thins we don't want to do but we have to do it. This right now is one of those things and it kills me. I know this person could never hate me and I could never hate them either. Like I mentioned in a recently deleted video it is not going to get any better. Old patterns will take course and we'll end up back to where we started. Then once again I'll be in this same position contemplating whether if I should stay of if I should go. Deep down I will always know that I need to go. This reminds of "Goodbye", a song by Avril Lavigne. She has to leave someone but she doesn't want to do it but eventually she knows it has to happen. As said by Avril Lavigne "I have to go and leave you alone but always know that I love you so." I cannot hide what has been brought forth in my #life and I cannot screw myself over once again due to fear. I might be terrified but it is my turn to be brave. I still remember the first time I had realized that you were one of my best friends. I also remember the first time you broke my heart. But none of that compares to the first and ultimately the last time I hugged you. Four years later and I still cannot stand the thought of saying the ultimate goodbye. But I have had four years to prepare myself for this exact moment and to come to the conclusion that in the end it is what is best for myself.
