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Hardeep Rai

English student who has a way with words. My creativity overwhelms me so i must share it with the millions :)

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Hardeep Rai
Translate   13 years ago

A Sense Of Place The sun rose from the sea. Little glimmers of light started to shimmer down the ocean eventually reaching Copacabana beach. Just amazing isn’t it? As I stood alone on the beach I heard a deafening sound, chaos ensued, instinctively I knew what it was, yet I did not react. Only when I heard the shouting did I turn. I looked past the anarchy, up in to the heart of the mountains…so dense. Beyond the favelas which looked down upon me, through the mist I could see a tiny figure with its arms outstretched. Christ the redeemer, overlooking the City of God. Some time passed. I could not be sure on how long, maybe a minute, possibly ten or even an hour. The chaos engulfed the streets of Rio, I could not escape it. I had never seen anything like this for as long as I have lived, the streets were so crowded you could hardly breathe; it made a riot look like a friendly get together. Everywhere I looked there were people, bright lights flashing everywhere; I could hardly hear myself think! Although I was surrounded by millions of people I felt alone, scared, helpless. Carnival in Rio de Janeiro has officially arrived. Commentary Purpose: This is the opening to a novel, I have not identified whether the protagonist is male or female yet I think this allows readers from both genders to connect with the piece emotionally, so they can feel what the protagonist feels. In order to help this emotion I write it in the first person in the present tense. Until the last sentence there is a huge feeling of mystery and ambiguity this is due to me describing the sounds and feelings as well as sight but not explicitly saying what is going on, This makes each reader create a different picture in there head of the events occurring. However I made it apparent from the start that the setting was Rio de Janeiro, I did this so the reader can create a clearer picture on the setting as they may have been there or seen it. Also the way the book starts it makes the reader ask “why is the person on the beach alone at sunrise?” Language: The lexis is fairly simple however I did use various polysyllabic and difficult words due to the audience being adults such “chaos ensued, instinctively I knew” The text is riddled with short powerful sentences which help to greatly increase the feeling and emotions felt. The third sentence I use is a rhetorical question showing awe and amazement at the beauty which is then juxtaposed by the feeling of fear. I personified the favelas saying they “looked down upon me” which could give the reader the sense of how crowded everything is. Sentence construction: Although I mainly use simple sentences I evidently use compound and complex sentences too as I did not want it to be to simple due to the target audience being adults. An example of a complex sentence is; “Everywhere I looked there were people, bright lights flashing everywhere; I could hardly hear myself think!” I have used an exclamatory sentence; “I could hardly hear myself think!” effectively as the feeling is amplified and adds a heightened sense of panic to the piece. It also emphasises the fact that the protagonist is scared as well as confused.

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Sienna Williamson

This is a really good piece, I like the way you've left it for the reader to determine male/female gender it works...and thanks for the English lesson lol 👏👏👏💗
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Sienna Williamson

Btw welcome to opuss 😊
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Hardeep Rai

Thank u so much yhh it was actually a peice from my english homework :P
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