When It Hits, Counter Strike!
Feeling down again, for what seems like the 102nd time this year. If you knew me you would probably ask (more than likely with annoyance) 'When will it subside, slowdown, come to a halt - or rather - when will you start to get it under control, start to rationalise or contain /compartmentalise these thought processes.' Well I have, kind of anyway.
I've been told / have told myself - over and over - that part of the healing / dealing side of things, is just to accept it - let it hit you full force in the face -and just 'Be depressed'. I have decided (over the last few weeks or so) that I dunno about the validity of this piece of advice - given before from a stranger, a sufferer, a friend... because - and i'll give you my opinion - I've been in bed all day today. My choice (well kinda). My girlfriend is home and no doubt sick of my horizontal esque torso, my sad looking 'boat-race', my duff sounding tones, and I have things I need to do, should be doing. I haven't worked for nearly 6 months - after being laid off - and I admit that I have struggled with it. Struggled with being myself; with self worth, self confidence, self control, self awareness, I have continuously self abused my persona, my psyche. I have tried letting it hit me and where has it got me!? ...Has letting it hit me, allowed me to fight these detrimental feelings I have about myself? Has letting it hit me, made me try harder with the two - most important - relationships in my #life? Or stopped me treating these people with disrespect and disdain? - because that's what I did. Has it also given me perspective and made me realise things like i've been 'legallly drugged out my skull', acting like a possession victim and a cunt for the last nine months or so? The answer to these questions was / is; No.
I thought fuck it. Lets turn things around a bit. Maybe try not letting it hit me without fighting back...Its kinda cool this way - you see not letting it hit me without a counter plan has helped. Its stopped me taking the hideous medication, I've subconsciously forced myself to devour for so
long. It's made me try harder with the people that mean stuff to me, take a stand with my responsibilities and show them the respect they deserve. My Daughter, my girlfriend both deserve this (I love you both so much). Heck I'm even seeing a shrink again and trying to get my career off the rocks!
Don't miss the point though - as it's not perfect - not by any means. I'm 37 years old, still out of work, not a great Father / partner (maybe I'm discrediting myself as usual) and I am still capable of filling myself with anxiety, dread, paranoia, jealousy, and all those horrid things. I mean I'm in bed now writing this, acting like a right loser and hating on myself. But at least I'm managing to write this I suppose. So take it from me, it will hit ya - if you are like me - or at some / many points in your #life, because thats what crap does to us - injects its poison unknowingly. But if you are prepared to 'have a go' back, stop being a pussy - and not take it on the chin - ... Well who knows?
