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Ben Robertson

Hi. I'm trying to gauge interest in a story I'm considering putting some effort into. It's an all ages ongoing fantasy/adventure story called The Kernel Star. I must say that I am not especially experienced but constructive criticism would be appreciated.

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ترجم   منذ 13 سنوات

The Kernel Star: Chapter One *Thousands pounded the cobbled streets in spite of intense cold to celebrate Anno Terminus Night.Fireworks boomed over the bustling streets of the Market District in the city of Aber. All while the immense flying carrier Integrity, pride of the Norish fleet, hovered silently overhead. Its Air-gyro squadrons performing a recreation of one of the Kingdom of Nors’ great military victories in its history. The Princess Regent Mari Evera watched in admiration of their skill weaving through the fireworks from her balcony amid the gothic splendor of Castle Aber. From behind the castle a pale green light was cast over the city by the Kernel. Supposedly the cradle of civilisation, the Kernel was a colossal spire of uncut green crystal as wide as a small country at its base and stretching as far as the eye could see into space. Crystals, known as Kernelite, were routinely harvested to power everything from communication devices to even the Integrity. The spectacle would bring visitors far and wide to partake in the largest and most extravagant festival anywhere on the planet. Rich and poor alike reveled in the ever present green glow of the Kernel. Despite the harsh weather everyone was in high spirits, laughing, cheering and eating copious amounts of food from the many stalls selling exotic dishes from all over Vi-Ela. Perched on the slate roof of District Hall, a cloaked figure took a particular interest in one of the crowd. In truth it was hard to miss her. A gross mass of a woman, as finely dressed as it was, pushed through the throng with a purpose, clutching two suitcases. Behind her ran a bald, almost emaciated man in a fine suit,a bowler hat barely staying put on his wrinkled head desperately attempting to maintain a parasol’s close proximity with the woman’s head. Without shifting its gaze from their mark, the cloaked figure reached into a satchel and pulled out a rusted old pair of binoculars. It whispered into the bridge then slowly drew them through its hood. No change. With a grunt of frustration the figure refocused its attention on the fragment of kernelite embedded in the bridge. “Ugh. Only when I can't afford to replace it, of course!”. As the figure struck the binoculars against a nearby chimney the crystal’s faint glow flickered back to vibrant green light. “Finally, now where is she?” The figure attempted to reacquire the mark, to no avail. Impossible as it seemed, the enormous woman was nowhere to be found. With a sigh of desperation the figure turned and ran up the sloped roof and leaped across the rooftops, coat tails flowing behind it. The sound of the aerial stunt show masked it’s reckless movement from the crowd below Its eyes remained fixed on the the square, circling for some sign of the target. “How? I look away for a second and.... Just how on Vi-E..... JUST HOW?” It finally spotted the pair approach a stall selling poor quality souvenirs. The seemingly malnourished butler lowered the parasol to reveal a hippo, Lady Rotherhaus, an aristocrat from the neighbouring nation, Cartain. A green light flashed from inside the hood and a smirk crept onto its face. It knelt one of the obnoxiously large gargoyles atop the General Store and raised a finger through its hood. “Jen, Target Acquired. Proceeding with capture. Hard to believe she of all people would have a bounty on her head.Still no recorded reason for the bounty?” An irritable female voice responded. “Phantasos, Arthur! Keep your headset linked!” She let out an exasperated sigh. “No, but the bounty is high and our bank account is an insatiable beast, as you well know! Speaking of which, for Kernel’s sake keep a low profile. I’d like to stick to the same office for longer than a month without a visit from Ursine.” “Yes dear” he replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.“Moving out.” “Keep your headset lin....” Arthur leapt from the gargoyle, somersaulting through the air and landing on the nearby terrace rooftops, his movements less graceful than before. He knocked slates to the ground , deliberately attracting the attention of the nearby crowd. Holding out his right arm he grabbed the chimney at the end of the terrace, swinging himself violently over the edge of the roof. The crowd frantically moved out of the way forming a circle around the area in front of the hippo. Arthur supported himself with his left hand, landing with enough force that he cracked the cobbles underneath. The crowd murmured nervously, unsure whether to stay and watch this new spectacle or run to the nearest guardsmen. Needless to say the former thought prevailed. “Lady Rotherhaus, I have come for the bounty on your head!” Arthur exclaimed as he righted himself. The hippo squinted at the man before her. She had seen him before, she was certain of it. “Young Master Lapin?” she murmured quietly, as if to somehow disguise the question should she be wrong. Arthur let out a brief chuckle. “How’d you tell?“ asking the question almost rhetorically “Coattails” she snorted. “You never did get over those.” Arthur pulled back his hood to reveal an albino rabbit with a distinctive green left eye. “What’s this all about, Marie?” he asked in genuine concern. “We both know you don’t mix in the kind of circles that I do these days?” Rotherhaus’ mirthful expression quickly melted, replaced by one of paranoia and dread. She glanced at her butler who was by now almost comically anxious, his gaze darting around the amassed crowd. Arthur was confused. Surely their immediate threat had already appeared before them? “Marie I think we should go to the city guard.” Artie offered his hand but was swiftly rebuked. “NO! Arthur you must leave!” Now she joined the butler in scanning the crowd. “You must leave at once!” I put that bounty on my own head” she whispered. “I had to! He wanted me to lure you out.” “Who Marie? Who are you so scared of?” Arthur slowly walked towards the cowering lady, arms outstretched in a friendly manner. Her eyes now transfixed on a member of the crowd, wide with the greatest of fear. Arthur hesitated, turning to face the crowd “Show yourself!” Green light seeped from his left glove. He raised his hand then slowly removed the glove. This was no hand of flesh and bone but a claw of gnarled kernelite. As his anger intensified so did the light emanating from the crystal. “Arthur!” Rotherhaus exclaimed to return his attention back to herself. The hippo dropped her ornate suitcases then pressed concealed buttons on the handles. Green steam rose from the seams as they unfolded themselves, with gears whirring, metal scraping and wood creaking into awkward, slender humanoid forms with heads of finely cut kernelite. The thin guards wavered as they stood beside their master. “I have no choice Arthur. I’m sorry” she whimpered. “So am I.”*

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Ben Robertson

Hmm. Not sure about what happened to the formatting there. Might stick to composing on iPad than use the email service in the future.
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    Ben Robertson
    ترجم   منذ 13 سنوات

    The Kernel Star - An Introduction Hi. I'm going to be using Opuss to upload an ongoing fantasy adventure story that has been floating around my head for about a decade. While I have been writing on and off to amuse myself, I have never fully shared any of my work due to a chronic lack of confidence. However a sense that I could be on to something and that I could seriously improve my storytelling skills by submitting my ideas to an audience has been gnawing at me for a while. My primary reason for choosing Opuss as my outlet is to gauge interest in the kind of story The Kernel Star is. Quite frankly I'm not sure if there is an exact audience for it and I certainly haven't specifically aimed at one. There are certain aspects that will appear aimed at children while others will obviously be in more mature territory. I will be adding chapters soon and any constructive criticism is encouraged.

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    blindsilence

    Hi welcome to Opuss. I am looking forward to reading your stuff. I'll keep an eye out for it.
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