Alive I miss my mum and dad. Miss doesn't seam to quite cover it. I do still push myself to the limits some times, in some way to try show them how well I am doing or have done. Don't know why? If you ever lose a parent it is hard, but when they are both gone it's different. They seam back together some how as they are both gone so both together? I some how want when I die to make it as easy as possible on my children. I'm going to arrange my funeral, picking a casket for a loved one in not a nice task. All I need to do now is give my expected child the best #life I can and not die to soon. It's not about me anymore my #life has new meaning,purpose,inspiration, love. I'm going to be the best dad I can. I just need to stay alive.

Run! Run run run away, But you can't out run the shame.

Crying. Pt3 How long is this!!! Totally spilling my guts! This is a bit therapeutic I think though. Anyway. One of my sous told me to go for a break. He has been there a long time, he is quite a bit older than me. If I didn't ,I think I would have started to cry. I was so angry! Why now? I've had worse days? It must be getting to me some how? Why now! I'm 34! Why am I fighting back tears in my kitchen! I've done busier/ harder/longer shifts! Why did this one get to me? I still don't know. I'm gona sack the manager . I went back. I'm not a quiter. That will not ever happen again. Later dudes. The manager got sacked. His replacement is......? I like her but I feel her inexperience in the role outweighs her...?

Crying!!!! Pt2 Back to the point. The day was good and a busy night was approaching. Don't get me wrong not a mental night, we have done much busier. I had a solid team on so no worries, this was getting routine. The rush started...... Cranking it out, all is good. Start backing up a bit. Where's the burgers?!? Getting low. "Sorry chef the oven wasn't on" I was gona flip! Probably had 40 on order. None. We have a nice menu but let's face it when the busy nights come most people just want a burger or a pizza. Try to battle through with the other 30 order and the 20 with burger on them.... Well what else can I do??? And yes we hit over 50 orders, not covers that's tables so well over 100 meals on.my record is 70 orders so far. .The manager is aware but doesn't care. I have told him we have had a prob and if he could let the customers know we have slowed down a bit.20 min wait on food. Not to bad I don't think? We are quicker but it gives us a bit of breathing room and the punters are happy if they get it sooner. The waiting staff are asking about tables, how long? I'm not angry at them, they have a job to do and I respect that. This should be a cruise,I do my best to get a grip but and get the team moving but we have hit the wall. I ask for the manager. He's out having a fag. I'm lost for words. Even the waitress is laughing when she told me! We have an open kitchen and all I want to do is go fucking mental! Bat shit crazy! I'm not a hot headed chef at all. More methodical I like to think, only ever lost my temper twice in 18 years so far. I ask myself what went wrong and what I done wrong? I speak to my sous chefs. They have been here longer than me. They tell me I am doing everything right. Do what's went went wrong?!!!.???!? I get I've brushed over the ins and outs of it and you may think the burgers are the culprit but they are not. They are merely the catalyst for the snowball of events. It hit me like nothing I've felt before. I sent the guys for a cigarette break. I don't smoke. When that came back they kept asking if I was ok. I thought I was but it became clear I was not. The manager asked if I was ok, I told him not to speak to me. I was ready for doing someone! He backed away. The older of my sous

Crying!!!!! Pt1 Crying. I'm a grown man, well I thought I was until I found myself almost sobbing at work. The day was awesome to start. Settling in to a new job must always be hard for everyone but I had left a restaurant that I had worked/built/expanded/lived/bleed in for 14 years.If you are gona get in this game it's go hard or go home. If you can handle it you will love it and make the best friends ever. I think it must have something to do with the pressure and long hours standing next to your team mates that you help grow and ultimately become incredible! Everyone told me I had the company waiting for me. I loved my boss,he was great to me and I think he did nurture me in a way no one else did, and in return I made the company millions over the years.But I had to leave. I couldn't take working all weekend Every weekend and never seeing my lady. I went 3 years without a weekend (day)off. And that included my holidays. Only allowed them on week days. I'm not very well educated but let's face it there is a good chance I get paid more than most. My hard work from the age of 15 has paid off. It's not how much you make, it's for how long and what you do with it. I've never paid rent. Left my parents and only ever paid a mortgage. What's the point, your just paying someone else's mortgage.Not bad for a high school drop out. Anyway back to the day in question. It was going well then we had a busy night coming up.