The Squirrel I witnessed this conversation at a school parents evening. Teacher: Your son is disruptive in class, rarely pays attention and swears at me and other members of the class. Father (gazing out of window): Fuck me, there's a squirrel out there. This actually happened. The mother had slippers on. You couldn't make it up.

Diction. Teacher 'arry took the 'ammer and 'it me on the 'ead. Hemphasise your haiches you hignorant hass!

Friends A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow. William Shakespeare.

The Parrot A lady walks past a pet shop on her way to work and a parrot on a perch squawks 'hey fatty!'. The lady walks on horrified. On her way home the lady walks past the pet shop and, again, the parrot squawks 'hey fatty!'. When she gets home the lady phones the pet shop and tells the owner that she'll call the police if his parrot calls her fatty again. He swears to have a stern word with the parrot and assures her that would be the end of it. The next morning the lady walks past the pet shop and the parrot shouts 'hey!'. The lady spins around and says 'what?!'. The parrot replies 'you fucking know what!'.

Lucky Breaks It's not who you know, it's who knows you.